It's been a long December and there's reason to believe/maybe this year will be better than the last

I hate New Year's. I always have and I probably always will. It is my least favorite holiday.

There I said it. I think it's way too hyped up. Maybe I hype it up. I feel like there's pressure for there to be some deep reflection on the past year and a profound change for the upcoming year. I feel like there's pressure for the night to be some sort of magical champagne firework glitter explosion.

However, a year ago on this night my life did start completely changing. So I can't act this day hasn't held meaning. Although I will say that I thought things from that night would turn out differently but that's probably another story. Reflecting back I'm still grateful (see my Reverb Healing post). And my life truly is completely different than it was a year ago. I live in a different apartment in a different city with a different job and different friends and I'd even say that I'm different too.

So this year I'm going to stop feeling like this night has to be something it's not. And I'll stop trying to force change that doesn't want to come tomorrow. Maybe I'll just be greatful.

Fierce love, baby, fierce love.

#REVERB10 Day 25 PHOTO

December 25 – Photo – a present to yourself Sift through all the photos of you from the past year. Choose one that best captures you; either who you are, or who you strive to be. Find the shot of you that is worth a thousand words. This photo was taken in spring. I'm tan and happy and wearing a shirt with a funny story behind. To me this photo captures the best of my year. It captures a night that I had an amazing time with fun people. It was taken in the apartment above the one I lived in, in a city I no longer call home. This picture captures who I was, but a feeling I want to get back to.

#REVERB10 Everythings gonna be alright

December 24 Prompt – Everything’s OK What was the best moment that could serve as proof that everything is going to be alright? And how will you incorporate that discovery into the year ahead?

I hadn't seen my college best friend for 2 years. We'd hardly talked despite huge events happening in our lives over two years. She'd broken off an engagement and I'd graduated college. We both happened to move to the same city and made plans for dinner and drinks one day in early summer. I didn't know how it would be and was nervous we'd have nothing in common anymore. We ended up talking for well over 4 hours, sharing everything that'd happened in the past 2 years...the joys, the sorrows, the changes.

And not just her, but I reconnected with several people from the past over the past year and for me, that feels like everything might be alright. That there's always a chance to reconnect. To find things that once were again.

#Reverb21 Letter to self

Dear 2015 Melissa,
I hope you are healthy and well, first and foremost. But more than anything I hope you are happy. I hope you have discovered what true happiness is and how to get there. I wonder all sorts of things about you. I wonder if you are still at the same company and if you still know the same coworkers. Hell, I wonder if you still live in the same city. I wonder if you are in a relationship.
I hope that you are still strong and brave. I hope that you've become more confident. I bet you are pretty awesome so start acting like it. Quit letting people treat you like shit. Seriously. I hope nothing horrific has happened to you. I hope you've traveled and learned new things. I hope you've learned to cook, bought a headboard, and paid off your credit cards. Which is to say, I hope you've grown up and settled into becoming a grown as woman.
More than anything, I just hope you are very, very happy.
Sincerely,
2010 Melissa

___________________________________________________
Dear 2000 Melissa,
First and foremost, congrats on recently surviving your parents divorce and a move to a new state. Make yourself comfortable in Bethany, it's where you'll stay until you graduate. High school is hard. But you'll make it through. You should take driver's ed.
You shouldn't have drank so much in high school. And more importantly, always, always, always put alcohol in the trunk and not the backseat. Forget about the little things. In ten years you won't remember cheerleading or dancing or much else that you think is so important these days. Yes, by your senior year, you'll be captain of the cheerleading squad. A year later you'll forget it ever happened.
I still don't know if you picked the *right* college. But what's important is that you make your choice for the right reasons. Don't be afraid. Be bold. Have confidence.
Keep your pants on. I know you think I'm lecturing, but seriously, keep them on. You will create mess, after mess, for yourself from 2005 to the present by taking them off. So do us both a favor and keep them on. Also you should know that the boy you have your first kiss with ends up getting married way young to someone very unattractive and is a manager at a general store. At your 5 year high school reunion he will tell you that you have a better life. And it's true. So get over that.
Your high school boyfriend will break your heart. And so will a dozen other boys. Just a fair warning. But don't be afraid, you are going to have a lot of fun and learn a lot as well.
And don't worry about your family either. Your mom has her master's degree now! And your siblings? Your sister follows your footsteps and is a college freshman in 2010. And your brother is a high school graduate and has a job. It's really amazing and you could not be more proud. Something really tragic happens to your family in 2004, but you will survive and like always, life moves on.
I know the world feels small right now. But you are going to have some amazing adventures. Trust me and enjoy the ride.
Love,
2010 Melissa

P.S. Don't make your hair so blonde and straighten your hair before senior pictures. Your class ring is your top drawer. You have a college degree and a good job.

#Reverb19 Healing

It was sometime in mid-fall, late October or early November perhaps, and I was sitting across from my best friend when I realized what had happened. I told her, "He saved me when I couldn't save myself." He came into my life on New Year's Day and by Martin Luther King my life was already completely different. He made me become decisive and muster up some confidence. He taught me that it is ok to fail and to be unapologetic for being awesome. But more than anything, he made me stronger, out of necessity. At the beginning of 2010, I wasn't ready to be the person I needed and wanted to be and I would have never guessed that he'd be such a huge part of my year and that transformation, but I am grateful. He truly did pull me out when I wasn't ready to do it on my own.
In 2011, I need to be healed from him.

#Reverb10 Day 17 Lesson Learned

The greatest lesson I learned this year, and possibly ever, is to listen to myself. I know that might sound obvious and simple but it isn't always, at least not to me. I have spent the majority of my life doing whatever I am "supposed" to do. Or sometimes what other people want me to do. And I've misplaced that into thinking those are things I want. So when I had to leave college and build an adult life, I accepted that same path. I accepted a job in finance that I didn't want because other people said it was a great opportunity in a city I didn't want to live in because other people said it'd be fun. I was in a relatiotship that had lasted almost two years that I'd outgrown but stayed in because a relationship is what you're supposed to be in at my age. Then in January I realized that I wasn't happy. I wasn't happy at all. And none of the things I was planning on doing where going to make me happy. I declined the job. Chose a job that I love in a city that I love. Left the relationship and began searching for someone that would make me happy and am learning to be content with myself. The lesson is that if something doesn't feel right, it probably isn't.

#Reverb10 15: 5 Minutes

When I read this I immediately thought I need to remember everything! But then I realized, it could be sort of a gift. A gift to be able to forget some of those awful moments. I'd remember the trips-to Jamaica & Chicago. That feeling I get where the whole world is possible . I'd remember the closeness I felt with my best friends. That feeling I get when someone totally gets me. I'd remember the changing of the relationship with my mom. The process of becoming friends, but still needing her as my mom. As hard as it was, I'd remember the drive away from my college. I had my entire life packed up in my car, got a full tank of gas, and swore to myself I wouldn't cry as I drove two hours away from everything I'd known as home for the past 5 years. I'd want to keep the ends of college. The times during the last week when I knew it was my last Tuesday wing night or my last night of dancing at the Outback. Those times when it truly was "the last" and "the end." I knew it at the time. And I wish I could have wrapped up those memories more.

But that's life isn't it? You can't relive the parts you want to hold on to and you can't forget the parts you want. That's what makes it living.

#REVERB10 DAY 13 ACTION

Clearly, I've been slacking, I'll blame it on being sick.

My next step? I want to develop a passion for my life again. I want to do all those things I keep saying I want to do. So maybe that's a lot of little steps, but I want to start taking them. Taking steps forward, not back, like I feel like I keep doing.

I want to feel like I did in this moment, but moving forward.

REVERB#10 WISDOM

December 10 – Wisdom Wisdom. What was the wisest decision you made this year, and how did it play out?

#REVERB10 9 PARTY aka Stuff I don't remember

Party Prompt: Party. What social gathering rocked your socks off in 2010? Describe the people, music, food, drink, clothes, shenanigans.

Pics or it didn't happen

I jumped into my schools pond.

Drank on the beach in Jamaica.

MARDI GRAS

And my personal favorite for which I don't remember and there are no words

Have you ever thrown a fistful of glitter? REVERB#10 8

December 8 – Beautifully Different. Think about what makes you different and what you do that lights people up. Reflect on all the things that make you different – you’ll find they’re what make you beautiful.

I'm a total mess. This blog is named after the mess I've made of my life. My cube buddy once said to me "I'm just amazed at what comes out of your mouth."

I've commited to just being myself. My ridiculous, life loving self. The me that is probably way too inappropriate, says ridiculous things, drinks too much, laughs too loud, believes too hard, and loves too much. I'm completely and totally imperfect. I feel like my life is pink glitter on black posterboard. Which is ridiculous. But I love the ridiculous. I embrace it. I don't think that makes me different. I don't think I light up other people. But I am who I am and that's that.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3stsDXki__U

REVERB10 Day 6 Make

Make. What was the last thing you made? What materials did you use? Is there something you want to make, but you need to clear some time for it?



What did I make? A strong drink. What did I use? Vodka and diet coke. Is there something I want to make but need to clear some time for it? A life where I don't want to make a strong drink so often.

#REVERB10 DAY 5 LET IT GO

I let a lot go. If you read my first #reverb10 post, a lot in my life has changed this past year. And while constructing this post I thought it'd be easy. But then I realized, I let go of most of that because I had to. The reason I let go of college life? I had to. That wasn't an active choice.

What I truly let go of was living the way I'm expected to. I gave up feeling pressured to stay in a relationship that clearly wasn't working and sought out clear passion. I let go of feeling like I needed to get an A in every MBA class. I didn't care about this degree in general, so I let go of feeling like I needed to continue pursuing it to the point of losing myself. I let go of needing my life to fit in a perfect black and white box. I decided to wake up and daily make the choice to live my life the way I want to. I make the choice.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HhZ1BdMtw_Q

REVERB 4 WONDER

How did you cultivate a sense of wonder in your life this year?

To me the greatest sense of wonder is exploration. I did 3 things in 2010 that to me truly created a sense of wonder where I put myself in a new place, in a new situation. First, I went to Jamaica. I got a passport and flew to my first foreign country sans parents. I sat on the beach, drank on the beach, watched the sun rise (and set) on the beach. What could truly be more wonderful than that?

Moving. Moving from my small town life to the city. To a city where every time I drive around the bend that reveals the city I still feel a sense of a wonder, months later. A city where I feel like I can always have an adventure, by going somehwere new. Where I can always find something, someone new.

By flying to Chicago to rediscover something old. A city I visited post high school, but a city that looked completely different post college. To visit a man that I knew post high school, but who was completely different to me post college. It was all about rediscovery.

Creating a sense of wonder in life is all about something adventerous, something new, and rediscovering something old.

REVERB10 DAY 1

Change. I didn't have to think twice about that. Last December I was in a relationship and in school and a graduate assistant. I had no plan for a future--no future job and no future plans. Just a ticking clock counting down my last semester of graduate school, my last four months of graduate school. I had no guidance, no plans. I was quite literally flying by the seat of my pants. This past year...I failed a class for the first time, Cheated on my boyfriend, Broke up with my boyfriend, Got a passport, Flew to Jamaica, Got a "big girl" job, Got a "big girl" apartment, Became friends with my old best friend again, Lost friends, Got my heart broken, Flew 500 miles to rekindle things with the one man I've loved for 5 years, Got my heart broken again, Went through work struggles, Went through work triumphs, Struggled with being a single 20 something who lives alone and works in a cube, Fish of five years died, Got a kitten, Started a blog, Sat next to somoene for 40 hours a week for 6 months and got to truly know them, Got moved away from the one person who made working in a cube bearable, Felt daily gratitude, Felt daily mourning. Everything about this year has changed. Nothing is the same. Change. 2010 is completely about change.

In 2011? Love. I want to fall deeply, passionately in love. But besides that obvious part, I want to feel love in every aspect of my life. I want to feel love in every way. I want to love my job passionately. I want to continue loving my family. I want to love all the people who are a part of my life. I want to wake up a year from now and just feel encompassed in love. It's a long shot.

But here's to it.

I just found out there's no such thing as the real world...except, that's not true at all.

I've waited awhile to post this because I wasn't sure what I was going to say. If I'd posted three weeks ago I would have said how excited I was to move into my new apartment in the city and do all sorts of exciting things. Two weeks I would have posted that I couldn't stop crying or being sad and missing all sorts of thing I'd never thought I'd miss. Last week I would have said I was adjusting and that I was looking forward to starting work. Today I would say that I can't believe college is over, the party is over. I'm in the real world. The world where I wake up at 6 am, make coffee, check traffic, commute, work until 5, commute, and then realize I'm completely exhausted and can't function but still need to consider which health insurance plan I'm going to pick.

You know that Chuck Palahniuk quote about feeling like you rushed through the moments when you should have been paying attention? That's kind of how I feel about the past 5 years. Not that I'm sad. Because I feel like the future has a lot to offer and I'm eager and excited to experience all of it.

This one semester when I went to the edge of the crazy ledge and back...

I left school for Christmas break in mid-December with a good feeling. I’d ended the semester with a 3.5 GPA and had 3 weeks off before beginning my last semester of graduate school. I even had two pretty difficult to get things: I had a boyfriend of over a year and had lined up a job in October for after graduation. Things were going great.

Fast forward to shortly after New Year’s. The first thing that started to slip was my relationship. We didn’t speak on Christmas and didn’t spend New Year’s together. A breakup that didn’t go smoothly or easily, but felt like a breath of fresh air.

Then there was the freak out about the job. The job I’d accepted suddenly seemed like it would suffocate me. I sent a freak out e-mail turning the job down. Then I was faced with the possibility that I might have to move in with my mom and work at my high school job. This was a major step toward the crazy ledge.

Then came the problems with Accounting. I’d avoided this class until my very last semester and for some reason this class made me realize that I’d made a huge mistake by picking this graduate program. As much as I wanted to graduate, the horribleness of this class overcame me. This midterm and my MBA capstone course midterm fell back to back in the beginning of March. I miserably failed my accounting midterm. And I learned that talking about failing and really getting an F are two very different feelings. The second pushed me closer to the crazy ledge.

Then I got really sick in February. I visited the doctor four times that month, once after passing out in the shower. I started missing several days of work. My boss was angry. Things at work got tense. And crazy. One more step to the crazy ledge. To the point that one morning a text from work sent me into such a crying fit that I was sobbing uncontrollably on my bedroom floor.

Then one day I woke up and it was April 23, 2010. It was my last day of work. School was done. I’d found a new job. I’d found an apartment. I had great friends. It suddenly felt like even though I was entering the unknown and the scary, it might really all be ok. That maybe I really had gone to the crazy ledge and made it back to talk about it.

This one time my friend got punched in the face

Right by where I live there is a bar called The Outback. For those not from my small town in the middle of nowhere, The Outback is different from Outback Steakhouse. Otherwise you might be confused as to why we are wearing leggings as pants and taking shots before going to eat a Bloomin Onion. The Outback is the type of place where $8 will get you a never ending cup of booze and has a dance floor with cages. Obviously no good can come of this.

One Saturday night my friends Taryn (@tarynhill) and Brooke decided to head to The Outback, leggings on, ready to drink. At the end of a fun night we decided to head to the dance floor for one last dance. As we stumble through the crowd, I suddenly hear someone yell, “That bitch just stepped on my feet!” I turn to see an enormous black woman who was pissed. Taryn realizes that she accidently just stepped on the girl’s feet in her heels. Taryn, the nice girl that she is, turned to apologize. Woman pushes Taryn. Taryn says “Don’t push me while I’m trying to apologize.” What happened next happened fast.

Taryn got punched. Right in the face, the eye, to be specific. I instantly grab Taryn turn her around and move her off the dance floor. She’s holding the side of her face and crying, because she can’t fucking see, you know? Now in case you are wondering why I didn’t fight back, I’ll tell you. Taryn is 5’3” and I’m 5’5”. This woman and her friends were much taller and much larger than us. I definitely don’t have a desire to have my face smashed in. However, my little friend Brooke, who in heels still looks up at me, ran straight into that crowd of girls, arms swinging. I didn’t see what happened to her until the next day when I finally saw her black eye complete with a huge bandaged gash.

However, I did run to the bouncer and scream “Excuuuse me, my friend just got punched in the face!” And then to the cops, “Excuuuse me, my friend just got punched in the face!” Like hello people, do you see the crying girl holding her contact with her bloodshot eye? The cops assured her that there was no need to press charges because we’d been drinking and didn’t even know the bitch’s name. Taryn sits down on the bar step and is sobbing hysterically and keeps repeating “I don’t want anyone to see me with my makeup like this.” While her makeup was everywhere, that was not her only problem. Perhaps the problem was the broken blood vessel in her eye.

I took her back to my apartment while I proceeded to clean my kitchen.

This one time I got tired of dealing with stupid boys and didn't wear pants.

I’ll just start by saying that there’s nothing wrong with sending the “want to fuck?” text. In fact, yes, if that’s all you want, just text that. If you don’t care how my day was or what I’m doing this weekend, then don’t ask. It will just get me thinking that maybe you do care about those things. Then I’ll think you might want to eat Chipotle, drink beer, and watch a baseball game with me. There’s clearly a line. And everyone needs to stick to one side or other. Either we’re just having sex or we’re dating. And I’m fine with either. I just need to know. You know, so I don’t do something extremely embarrassing, like text you in the middle of the afternoon and ask if you want to go eat wings with me.

“I wasn’t sure what was appropriate.”
“Appropriate? I’m not some waitress you banged in a snowstorm. That word has no place in our vocabulary. I’m the woman you don’t have to worry about.”
“Sounds like a trap.” –Up in the Air

I’m never appropriate. And today was no exception. It was a gorgeous day and a family needed a golf cart ride at work. I hop on the golf cart excited to drive around campus. After about two feet, it hit me. Duh, I’m totally wearing a skirt and it is flying up. So I pull it down and keep driving. Obviously, I feel so inappropriate that I have to tell people. But I’m an idiot and have 2 typos in the same sentence. First, I say I’m driving a gold cart. Which I’m clearly not doing because what kind of university in Missouri can afford gold carts? If there is one, I want to be there. The second type was of the actual word inappropriate. I spelled it “innaprorpriate.” And of course it got pointed out by someone who is totally cute. And then I was all, I should probably just get back to focusing on not showing my vagina to all of campus.

And this post should have totally been about why I’m spending all my time in the shower lately or how I had one of the most epic weekends of my life, both of which are much better stories than this.

Currently listening to: Pursuit of Happiness-Kid Cudi

This time I went to Jamaica but fell in love with a scene from Californication...

This past week I was on spring break in Jamaica. It was absolutely amazing! We spent 5 days on the beach. If you've ever been on spring break/been to Jamaica/been on the beach/etc. you can understand how awesome this trip was. I definitely drank more than my liver can stand. Besides being an incredible experience, it was a relatively uneventful trip (as far as spring break trips go, that is). However, I was left with the *worst* case of the travel bug. I can't wait to schedule my next trip. Who wants to go somewhere totally awesome with me? Anyone?

Anyway, over at You'll Grow To Love Me (http://jennbollenbacher.com/blog/), She asked us to list 5 things we desire for ourselves in the next year. She put hers on her blog so they would be out in the universe. So here are mine:

1. Land my first big girl/real world/post-college job

2. Fall crazy, passionately in love

3. And have that love returned

4. Cross at least 2, but hopefully 3, things off my life list

5. Move :)

And in other news, I've become completely obsessed with the Letter to Karen (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=u6mkeLJwnTY) from Californication. I'm such a freak but it really gets to me for some reason. It's gotten so bad that now everytime I hear the song "Nothingman" I get a little sad and a little bit of a heart flutter. (Don't judge me!) Can someone please right me a letter like this? Maybe?

So to sum up this post, I'm basically looking for someone who will travel with me, help me cross things off my life list, and write a "Letter to Melissa."

This one time I played in a quarters tournament to win a trip to Vegas with a guy named Dylan

Katie likes to call me the devil. I more fondly like to think of her as my partner in crime. After a day of work in which we found that we were, in fact, not getting fired, we decided to celebrate. (Isn’t that mostly how these stories go?) I join Katie on a semi-date which involves her, the guy, the guy’s parents, and 2 of the guy’s friends. The guy has an amazing job in which allows him to buy other people beer. After three rounds of beer, Katie and I decide to buy the dad shots. Then all of us, parents included, head to the bar because apparently there is a quarters tournament in which you can win a free trip to Vegas.

Dylan ends up with me as his partner, which is unfortunate for him because I’m clearly horrible at anything in this arena. (2 drinks later) Dylan decides that I clearly need to practice. I throw about 3 quarters (which are really plastic poker chips) and then we all decide to head to another bar. The other bar is selling 40s for $4. For some unknown reason Katie and I think that we each need one. Fast forward an hour and we’ve lost track of time and our drinks and run back to the tournament. They’ve created a bracket and I see the first match. Our first opponent is this guy I kindasorta feel really awkward around for multiple reasons. Obviously, this sort of thing would happen in my life. But of course, I instantly want to kick his ass. I lose, because as it turns out, Dylan also sucks. So the two of us aren’t running off to Vegas anytime soon. However, he assures me that it’s totally fine that I sucked because I’m hot.

Katie also lost. Although I told her if she won the trip I’d be her maid of honor. Because, clearly, getting married is the only reason to go to Vegas. The other guy’s partner was his sorta girlfriend who is a stripper. Her name may have been Sapphire or Daisy or Candy. We still don’t know.

This night ends with me, pantless surrounded by Christmas lights, getting offered $10 to go to a dance party across the hall.

Because everyone else is doing it...

Inspired by all the amazing bloggers I know, I've decided to start my own blog. I guess I should begin by clarifying that I'm wildly inappropriate and do not censor myself at all.

Last night I miserabley failed my managerial accounting midterm around 5 p.m. My dear friend, fellow grad student, and coworker Katie also failed. Together we joined forces to celebrate, ahem, I clearly mean grieve. Katie begins by asking me if we can do some stalking, but she doesn't want me to think she's crazy. Of course I say yes and who am I to judge anyone else for having a case of the crazies? We finish that up and spend 2 hours having beers and wings and we have to tell our server that we do not need our bills yet because yes, we will be drinking more.

And that was just the beginning of how the night was going. It ended with me sending out a mass text saying "I'm a hot mess."

As if everyone didn't already know.