It's been a long December and there's reason to believe/maybe this year will be better than the last

I hate New Year's. I always have and I probably always will. It is my least favorite holiday.

There I said it. I think it's way too hyped up. Maybe I hype it up. I feel like there's pressure for there to be some deep reflection on the past year and a profound change for the upcoming year. I feel like there's pressure for the night to be some sort of magical champagne firework glitter explosion.

However, a year ago on this night my life did start completely changing. So I can't act this day hasn't held meaning. Although I will say that I thought things from that night would turn out differently but that's probably another story. Reflecting back I'm still grateful (see my Reverb Healing post). And my life truly is completely different than it was a year ago. I live in a different apartment in a different city with a different job and different friends and I'd even say that I'm different too.

So this year I'm going to stop feeling like this night has to be something it's not. And I'll stop trying to force change that doesn't want to come tomorrow. Maybe I'll just be greatful.

Fierce love, baby, fierce love.

#REVERB10 Day 25 PHOTO

December 25 – Photo – a present to yourself Sift through all the photos of you from the past year. Choose one that best captures you; either who you are, or who you strive to be. Find the shot of you that is worth a thousand words. This photo was taken in spring. I'm tan and happy and wearing a shirt with a funny story behind. To me this photo captures the best of my year. It captures a night that I had an amazing time with fun people. It was taken in the apartment above the one I lived in, in a city I no longer call home. This picture captures who I was, but a feeling I want to get back to.

#REVERB10 Everythings gonna be alright

December 24 Prompt – Everything’s OK What was the best moment that could serve as proof that everything is going to be alright? And how will you incorporate that discovery into the year ahead?

I hadn't seen my college best friend for 2 years. We'd hardly talked despite huge events happening in our lives over two years. She'd broken off an engagement and I'd graduated college. We both happened to move to the same city and made plans for dinner and drinks one day in early summer. I didn't know how it would be and was nervous we'd have nothing in common anymore. We ended up talking for well over 4 hours, sharing everything that'd happened in the past 2 years...the joys, the sorrows, the changes.

And not just her, but I reconnected with several people from the past over the past year and for me, that feels like everything might be alright. That there's always a chance to reconnect. To find things that once were again.

#Reverb21 Letter to self

Dear 2015 Melissa,
I hope you are healthy and well, first and foremost. But more than anything I hope you are happy. I hope you have discovered what true happiness is and how to get there. I wonder all sorts of things about you. I wonder if you are still at the same company and if you still know the same coworkers. Hell, I wonder if you still live in the same city. I wonder if you are in a relationship.
I hope that you are still strong and brave. I hope that you've become more confident. I bet you are pretty awesome so start acting like it. Quit letting people treat you like shit. Seriously. I hope nothing horrific has happened to you. I hope you've traveled and learned new things. I hope you've learned to cook, bought a headboard, and paid off your credit cards. Which is to say, I hope you've grown up and settled into becoming a grown as woman.
More than anything, I just hope you are very, very happy.
Sincerely,
2010 Melissa

___________________________________________________
Dear 2000 Melissa,
First and foremost, congrats on recently surviving your parents divorce and a move to a new state. Make yourself comfortable in Bethany, it's where you'll stay until you graduate. High school is hard. But you'll make it through. You should take driver's ed.
You shouldn't have drank so much in high school. And more importantly, always, always, always put alcohol in the trunk and not the backseat. Forget about the little things. In ten years you won't remember cheerleading or dancing or much else that you think is so important these days. Yes, by your senior year, you'll be captain of the cheerleading squad. A year later you'll forget it ever happened.
I still don't know if you picked the *right* college. But what's important is that you make your choice for the right reasons. Don't be afraid. Be bold. Have confidence.
Keep your pants on. I know you think I'm lecturing, but seriously, keep them on. You will create mess, after mess, for yourself from 2005 to the present by taking them off. So do us both a favor and keep them on. Also you should know that the boy you have your first kiss with ends up getting married way young to someone very unattractive and is a manager at a general store. At your 5 year high school reunion he will tell you that you have a better life. And it's true. So get over that.
Your high school boyfriend will break your heart. And so will a dozen other boys. Just a fair warning. But don't be afraid, you are going to have a lot of fun and learn a lot as well.
And don't worry about your family either. Your mom has her master's degree now! And your siblings? Your sister follows your footsteps and is a college freshman in 2010. And your brother is a high school graduate and has a job. It's really amazing and you could not be more proud. Something really tragic happens to your family in 2004, but you will survive and like always, life moves on.
I know the world feels small right now. But you are going to have some amazing adventures. Trust me and enjoy the ride.
Love,
2010 Melissa

P.S. Don't make your hair so blonde and straighten your hair before senior pictures. Your class ring is your top drawer. You have a college degree and a good job.

#Reverb19 Healing

It was sometime in mid-fall, late October or early November perhaps, and I was sitting across from my best friend when I realized what had happened. I told her, "He saved me when I couldn't save myself." He came into my life on New Year's Day and by Martin Luther King my life was already completely different. He made me become decisive and muster up some confidence. He taught me that it is ok to fail and to be unapologetic for being awesome. But more than anything, he made me stronger, out of necessity. At the beginning of 2010, I wasn't ready to be the person I needed and wanted to be and I would have never guessed that he'd be such a huge part of my year and that transformation, but I am grateful. He truly did pull me out when I wasn't ready to do it on my own.
In 2011, I need to be healed from him.

#Reverb10 Day 17 Lesson Learned

The greatest lesson I learned this year, and possibly ever, is to listen to myself. I know that might sound obvious and simple but it isn't always, at least not to me. I have spent the majority of my life doing whatever I am "supposed" to do. Or sometimes what other people want me to do. And I've misplaced that into thinking those are things I want. So when I had to leave college and build an adult life, I accepted that same path. I accepted a job in finance that I didn't want because other people said it was a great opportunity in a city I didn't want to live in because other people said it'd be fun. I was in a relatiotship that had lasted almost two years that I'd outgrown but stayed in because a relationship is what you're supposed to be in at my age. Then in January I realized that I wasn't happy. I wasn't happy at all. And none of the things I was planning on doing where going to make me happy. I declined the job. Chose a job that I love in a city that I love. Left the relationship and began searching for someone that would make me happy and am learning to be content with myself. The lesson is that if something doesn't feel right, it probably isn't.

#Reverb10 15: 5 Minutes

When I read this I immediately thought I need to remember everything! But then I realized, it could be sort of a gift. A gift to be able to forget some of those awful moments. I'd remember the trips-to Jamaica & Chicago. That feeling I get where the whole world is possible . I'd remember the closeness I felt with my best friends. That feeling I get when someone totally gets me. I'd remember the changing of the relationship with my mom. The process of becoming friends, but still needing her as my mom. As hard as it was, I'd remember the drive away from my college. I had my entire life packed up in my car, got a full tank of gas, and swore to myself I wouldn't cry as I drove two hours away from everything I'd known as home for the past 5 years. I'd want to keep the ends of college. The times during the last week when I knew it was my last Tuesday wing night or my last night of dancing at the Outback. Those times when it truly was "the last" and "the end." I knew it at the time. And I wish I could have wrapped up those memories more.

But that's life isn't it? You can't relive the parts you want to hold on to and you can't forget the parts you want. That's what makes it living.

#REVERB10 DAY 13 ACTION

Clearly, I've been slacking, I'll blame it on being sick.

My next step? I want to develop a passion for my life again. I want to do all those things I keep saying I want to do. So maybe that's a lot of little steps, but I want to start taking them. Taking steps forward, not back, like I feel like I keep doing.

I want to feel like I did in this moment, but moving forward.

REVERB#10 WISDOM

December 10 – Wisdom Wisdom. What was the wisest decision you made this year, and how did it play out?

#REVERB10 9 PARTY aka Stuff I don't remember

Party Prompt: Party. What social gathering rocked your socks off in 2010? Describe the people, music, food, drink, clothes, shenanigans.

Pics or it didn't happen

I jumped into my schools pond.

Drank on the beach in Jamaica.

MARDI GRAS

And my personal favorite for which I don't remember and there are no words

Have you ever thrown a fistful of glitter? REVERB#10 8

December 8 – Beautifully Different. Think about what makes you different and what you do that lights people up. Reflect on all the things that make you different – you’ll find they’re what make you beautiful.

I'm a total mess. This blog is named after the mess I've made of my life. My cube buddy once said to me "I'm just amazed at what comes out of your mouth."

I've commited to just being myself. My ridiculous, life loving self. The me that is probably way too inappropriate, says ridiculous things, drinks too much, laughs too loud, believes too hard, and loves too much. I'm completely and totally imperfect. I feel like my life is pink glitter on black posterboard. Which is ridiculous. But I love the ridiculous. I embrace it. I don't think that makes me different. I don't think I light up other people. But I am who I am and that's that.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3stsDXki__U

REVERB10 Day 6 Make

Make. What was the last thing you made? What materials did you use? Is there something you want to make, but you need to clear some time for it?



What did I make? A strong drink. What did I use? Vodka and diet coke. Is there something I want to make but need to clear some time for it? A life where I don't want to make a strong drink so often.

#REVERB10 DAY 5 LET IT GO

I let a lot go. If you read my first #reverb10 post, a lot in my life has changed this past year. And while constructing this post I thought it'd be easy. But then I realized, I let go of most of that because I had to. The reason I let go of college life? I had to. That wasn't an active choice.

What I truly let go of was living the way I'm expected to. I gave up feeling pressured to stay in a relationship that clearly wasn't working and sought out clear passion. I let go of feeling like I needed to get an A in every MBA class. I didn't care about this degree in general, so I let go of feeling like I needed to continue pursuing it to the point of losing myself. I let go of needing my life to fit in a perfect black and white box. I decided to wake up and daily make the choice to live my life the way I want to. I make the choice.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HhZ1BdMtw_Q

REVERB 4 WONDER

How did you cultivate a sense of wonder in your life this year?

To me the greatest sense of wonder is exploration. I did 3 things in 2010 that to me truly created a sense of wonder where I put myself in a new place, in a new situation. First, I went to Jamaica. I got a passport and flew to my first foreign country sans parents. I sat on the beach, drank on the beach, watched the sun rise (and set) on the beach. What could truly be more wonderful than that?

Moving. Moving from my small town life to the city. To a city where every time I drive around the bend that reveals the city I still feel a sense of a wonder, months later. A city where I feel like I can always have an adventure, by going somehwere new. Where I can always find something, someone new.

By flying to Chicago to rediscover something old. A city I visited post high school, but a city that looked completely different post college. To visit a man that I knew post high school, but who was completely different to me post college. It was all about rediscovery.

Creating a sense of wonder in life is all about something adventerous, something new, and rediscovering something old.

REVERB10 DAY 1

Change. I didn't have to think twice about that. Last December I was in a relationship and in school and a graduate assistant. I had no plan for a future--no future job and no future plans. Just a ticking clock counting down my last semester of graduate school, my last four months of graduate school. I had no guidance, no plans. I was quite literally flying by the seat of my pants. This past year...I failed a class for the first time, Cheated on my boyfriend, Broke up with my boyfriend, Got a passport, Flew to Jamaica, Got a "big girl" job, Got a "big girl" apartment, Became friends with my old best friend again, Lost friends, Got my heart broken, Flew 500 miles to rekindle things with the one man I've loved for 5 years, Got my heart broken again, Went through work struggles, Went through work triumphs, Struggled with being a single 20 something who lives alone and works in a cube, Fish of five years died, Got a kitten, Started a blog, Sat next to somoene for 40 hours a week for 6 months and got to truly know them, Got moved away from the one person who made working in a cube bearable, Felt daily gratitude, Felt daily mourning. Everything about this year has changed. Nothing is the same. Change. 2010 is completely about change.

In 2011? Love. I want to fall deeply, passionately in love. But besides that obvious part, I want to feel love in every aspect of my life. I want to feel love in every way. I want to love my job passionately. I want to continue loving my family. I want to love all the people who are a part of my life. I want to wake up a year from now and just feel encompassed in love. It's a long shot.

But here's to it.