As the year draws to a close I have to admit that another year has passed and I didn't get around to a lot of those things I set out to do. I set out to juggle and now it's December 29 and I most definitely cannot juggle. But here's the thing, maybe I didn't learn to juggle and that's ok. Maybe I learned along the way that juggling wasn't necessarily the best use of my time or energy. That's fine. I am forgiving myself for all my faults and failures thorughout the year and I hope that as the year ends, you all do as well. Don't be Michelle Pfeiffer in New Year's Eve. I did find some things along the way that I am pretty proud of accomplishing and so I'm pleased to present my "Eff Yeah 2012' list.
EFF YEAH 2012
Started a new job
Got promoted at said job (32!)
Ran 4 5ks
Ran a 5k alone (talk about doing uncomfortable shit)
Made about one dozen new pinterest recipes
Went to therapy
Learned to eat sushi with chopsticks
Placed 3rd in Fantasy Football
Had a great Halloween costume for the first time in my adult life
Voted for a winning president (I'm 2/2, thanks Obama!)
I am currently in the processing of dreaming up my 2013 goals and intentions and I'll be sure to share them with you here.
Saturday, December 29, 2012
Monday, December 3, 2012
The kids don't stand a chance/The kids are all right
I think an important thing to reflect on is where you were and where you are now.
One year ago I was completely miserable at work. To the point it was affecting my personal life and health. I was basically told I wasn't good at my job and was called a bitch almost daily by people. I've blogged about it several times previously so I don't feel the need to go into too much detail here.
Today a customer wrote in that he loved working with me so much that he'd like to take me to dinner. People tell me thank you almost daily. I rarely get yelled at. I feel lucky and blessed beyond all reason. I'm told I do a good job and on Wednesday I'm taking my salary test.
Pretty much a 180 there. And so grateful for it. Thanks 2012 for that.
One year ago I was completely miserable at work. To the point it was affecting my personal life and health. I was basically told I wasn't good at my job and was called a bitch almost daily by people. I've blogged about it several times previously so I don't feel the need to go into too much detail here.
Today a customer wrote in that he loved working with me so much that he'd like to take me to dinner. People tell me thank you almost daily. I rarely get yelled at. I feel lucky and blessed beyond all reason. I'm told I do a good job and on Wednesday I'm taking my salary test.
Pretty much a 180 there. And so grateful for it. Thanks 2012 for that.
Saturday, December 1, 2012
Reverb12 Day 1
Holy cow, this is officially my third year of doing Reverb. I'm super sad it's not organized the way it was in 2010 and so far what I've found online for 2012 posts hasn't been super great but I'm going to make it work because I love doing it and I think the idea of reflecting on the year gone by is important.
For day 1 I'm going to do the classic day 1 post. "Pick one word to describe how 2012 went and pick a word to describe how you want 2013 to go. Bonus: Reflect on the word you'd picked to describe 2012."
2012: Nice. "I urge you to please notice when you are happy and exclaim or murmur or think at some point 'If this isn't nice, I don't know what is.'" -Kurt Vonnegut
This year was very nice and I was very lucky and things were very lovely. I've come a long way from where I was last year and I feel very good about it. I look back on this year as largely positive and I like it. My word that I'd chosen last year for this year was epic. I'd say I fell largely short of that but not in any sort of way that's left me disappointed.
My word that I've chosen for 2013: Achievement.
For day 1 I'm going to do the classic day 1 post. "Pick one word to describe how 2012 went and pick a word to describe how you want 2013 to go. Bonus: Reflect on the word you'd picked to describe 2012."
2012: Nice. "I urge you to please notice when you are happy and exclaim or murmur or think at some point 'If this isn't nice, I don't know what is.'" -Kurt Vonnegut
This year was very nice and I was very lucky and things were very lovely. I've come a long way from where I was last year and I feel very good about it. I look back on this year as largely positive and I like it. My word that I'd chosen last year for this year was epic. I'd say I fell largely short of that but not in any sort of way that's left me disappointed.
My word that I've chosen for 2013: Achievement.
Wednesday, November 28, 2012
Staycation, all I ever wanted, Staycation gotta get away...?
Ok, you guys, I haven't worked in one week and I don't go back til Monday. I have not left Kansas City in that time, not even for the holiday. So yes, this is a true "Staycation" if there ever was one.
REMIND ME TO NEVER TAKE STAYCATION IN THE WINTER AGAIN, EVER.
Or I might die. I mean sure it's been great not having to go to work but seriously, this is ridiculous. I sleep in the middle of the day or make crazy crockpot recipes that take 8 hours to cook or don't shower for two days or watch entire seasons of tv shows in half a day or don't straighten my hair in 4 days and my great plans are mostly just deciding what time it's acceptable to take my bra off and start drinking and that time is pretty much like 3 pm. (Just kidding, I'm not drunk (yet) and I'm wearing a bra (for now), pinky promise). Also I haven't worn real pants in a solid week.
What do people do all day that don't work? I have no real idea.
Here's a brief rundown of what's going on my life, besides of course this ridiculous staycation:
1) I did all my Christmas shopping from dining room table on Cyber Monday (ASL?) except for my brother & one friend. Quite relieved and impressed with myself.
2) I am starting my mission of doing at least one 5k every month for the next year. In October I did the Color Run-Des Moines and in November I did the Turkey Trot. In December I'm doing the Santa Run & Jingle Bell Run. Right now I'm insanely slow but I'm excited about setting a goal and following through with it and hopefully getting faster.
3) I'm taking a test at work one week from today to increase my salary. It's extremely important and I'm very nervous. Like so nervous I want to throw up just thinking about it. It'll be ok, right?
4) Ok, I'm STILL listening to Mockingjay on audible. STILL. We are going on, what, 8 months? I'm so tired of it. Katniss is always like PEETA, PEETA, GAIL, THE CAPITAL! I'm over it. I have 4 hours left though and I'm finishing it by Monday. Then I'm starting Game of Thrones. Why do I torture myself on Audible?! Anyone have any audiobooks they loved listening to? That didn't have annoying narrators?
5) Wendnesday is my favorite night of television. Law & Order: SVU is so good with that hot new detective I've already forgotten Stabler. Yep, I'm not afraid to say it. And are you watching Chicago Fire? J says I'm Dick Wolf's bitch and it's true. Don't forget Top Chef! At least once during the season someone loses a finger and there are always adorable asian chefs AND last week someone made mashed potatoes that were half butter/half potato. How can you not love it? Plus there's The Middle, Modern Family, Key & Peele. But don't talk to me about Suburgatory. That show is shit and you aren't invited to my wine party if you love it.
xoxo
M
(Don't get cute, you like Gossip Girl too)
REMIND ME TO NEVER TAKE STAYCATION IN THE WINTER AGAIN, EVER.
Or I might die. I mean sure it's been great not having to go to work but seriously, this is ridiculous. I sleep in the middle of the day or make crazy crockpot recipes that take 8 hours to cook or don't shower for two days or watch entire seasons of tv shows in half a day or don't straighten my hair in 4 days and my great plans are mostly just deciding what time it's acceptable to take my bra off and start drinking and that time is pretty much like 3 pm. (Just kidding, I'm not drunk (yet) and I'm wearing a bra (for now), pinky promise). Also I haven't worn real pants in a solid week.
What do people do all day that don't work? I have no real idea.
Here's a brief rundown of what's going on my life, besides of course this ridiculous staycation:
1) I did all my Christmas shopping from dining room table on Cyber Monday (ASL?) except for my brother & one friend. Quite relieved and impressed with myself.
2) I am starting my mission of doing at least one 5k every month for the next year. In October I did the Color Run-Des Moines and in November I did the Turkey Trot. In December I'm doing the Santa Run & Jingle Bell Run. Right now I'm insanely slow but I'm excited about setting a goal and following through with it and hopefully getting faster.
3) I'm taking a test at work one week from today to increase my salary. It's extremely important and I'm very nervous. Like so nervous I want to throw up just thinking about it. It'll be ok, right?
4) Ok, I'm STILL listening to Mockingjay on audible. STILL. We are going on, what, 8 months? I'm so tired of it. Katniss is always like PEETA, PEETA, GAIL, THE CAPITAL! I'm over it. I have 4 hours left though and I'm finishing it by Monday. Then I'm starting Game of Thrones. Why do I torture myself on Audible?! Anyone have any audiobooks they loved listening to? That didn't have annoying narrators?
5) Wendnesday is my favorite night of television. Law & Order: SVU is so good with that hot new detective I've already forgotten Stabler. Yep, I'm not afraid to say it. And are you watching Chicago Fire? J says I'm Dick Wolf's bitch and it's true. Don't forget Top Chef! At least once during the season someone loses a finger and there are always adorable asian chefs AND last week someone made mashed potatoes that were half butter/half potato. How can you not love it? Plus there's The Middle, Modern Family, Key & Peele. But don't talk to me about Suburgatory. That show is shit and you aren't invited to my wine party if you love it.
xoxo
M
(Don't get cute, you like Gossip Girl too)
Sunday, November 18, 2012
Comes and Goes (In Waves)
The thing about stuff ending is that I want to know it's the last. I want to know that this, I'll never have this again so that I can savor every last second of it.
I used to try to do that with him but then there'd always be another time until there wasn't. I can't remember it now.
Hostess is out of business. I'll be damned if my last Ding Dong was a decade and a half ago and I don't remember it.
I didn't know Fireside Nut Brown was going to be discontinued. I feel cheated, like if only I'd known, I'd have enjoyed every last sip. Instead I thought, see ya next winter beer.
I didn't know that the last time I hugged my grandfather would be the last. I can't remember the last thing I said to him. I've almost forgotten the way his voice sounds.
It's like forgetting the words to your favorite song. You were always singing the words, it was so easy. But you can't remember and you try to feel the beat.
This time in my life, this time right now, is the most I've ever wanted to live, to really live and I couldn't be more overjoyed with this.
I used to try to do that with him but then there'd always be another time until there wasn't. I can't remember it now.
Hostess is out of business. I'll be damned if my last Ding Dong was a decade and a half ago and I don't remember it.
I didn't know Fireside Nut Brown was going to be discontinued. I feel cheated, like if only I'd known, I'd have enjoyed every last sip. Instead I thought, see ya next winter beer.
I didn't know that the last time I hugged my grandfather would be the last. I can't remember the last thing I said to him. I've almost forgotten the way his voice sounds.
It's like forgetting the words to your favorite song. You were always singing the words, it was so easy. But you can't remember and you try to feel the beat.
This time in my life, this time right now, is the most I've ever wanted to live, to really live and I couldn't be more overjoyed with this.
Sunday, October 28, 2012
The little things become the big things
I want to tell you about my weekend, reader. I doubt you care much, or at all. I hope you do, at least a little. Sometimes I'm not sure if you're even there at all. Never the less...
On Thursday, J and I went to get Italian Nachos and beer for dinner. Because we are adults but not grown up. Have you ever had Italian Nachos? They are fantastic. Like an explosion of cheesy gooey goodness in your mouth. We watched The League, It's Always Sunny, & Thursday Night Football.
Friday we had dinner with my mom and her boyfriend. I find it weird to say "my mom's boyfriend" but I like him and he is a good guy and makes her very happy. My mom likes J for the same reasons. After dinner we went to a haunted house with J's coworkers. We stood in a field drinking a beer and whiskey from a flask saying we couldn't feel our feet because it was just so cold before running through a maze terrified. We went home and drank pumpkin spice lattes with pumpkin vodka and watched Shark Tank for awhile. I couldn't get warm again and got so tired and fell asleep softly.
On Saturday we dressed in our Halloween costumes and went to his friends annual Halloween party. I dressed as a slutty replacement ref and he dressed as a lumber jack/axe murderer. We drank wine by a bonfire and laughed and talked and met new people. I wore my hair in pigtails and I still haven't taken them out.
Today we went to the grocery store. He made chili and I made jalapeno popper dip. We watched football all day. We checked our fantasy football scores and saw we were both winning. I came home to my cat, Riggins. I took a bath, drank some white wine, and now am getting ready to watch The Walking Dead.
I have tomorrow off work.
This weekend may sound oh so boring to you, reader, but it was so beautiful though. This weekend I was happy. Very happy. I felt alive and loved and at peace. And that's what I'll remember most about this weekend.
On Thursday, J and I went to get Italian Nachos and beer for dinner. Because we are adults but not grown up. Have you ever had Italian Nachos? They are fantastic. Like an explosion of cheesy gooey goodness in your mouth. We watched The League, It's Always Sunny, & Thursday Night Football.
Friday we had dinner with my mom and her boyfriend. I find it weird to say "my mom's boyfriend" but I like him and he is a good guy and makes her very happy. My mom likes J for the same reasons. After dinner we went to a haunted house with J's coworkers. We stood in a field drinking a beer and whiskey from a flask saying we couldn't feel our feet because it was just so cold before running through a maze terrified. We went home and drank pumpkin spice lattes with pumpkin vodka and watched Shark Tank for awhile. I couldn't get warm again and got so tired and fell asleep softly.
On Saturday we dressed in our Halloween costumes and went to his friends annual Halloween party. I dressed as a slutty replacement ref and he dressed as a lumber jack/axe murderer. We drank wine by a bonfire and laughed and talked and met new people. I wore my hair in pigtails and I still haven't taken them out.
Today we went to the grocery store. He made chili and I made jalapeno popper dip. We watched football all day. We checked our fantasy football scores and saw we were both winning. I came home to my cat, Riggins. I took a bath, drank some white wine, and now am getting ready to watch The Walking Dead.
I have tomorrow off work.
This weekend may sound oh so boring to you, reader, but it was so beautiful though. This weekend I was happy. Very happy. I felt alive and loved and at peace. And that's what I'll remember most about this weekend.
Monday, October 22, 2012
I'm baaaaaccckkkk...
My absence has been due to the fact that I no longer own a personal computer and while I now use my iPhone for all internet purposes, I couldn't get use to actually writing blog posts with it. J recently remembered his old college computer from years ago still technically worked. It's a PowerBook with a homemade battery adapter and no sound. I am quite pleased and grateful. J is the actual best.
Here's what you missed:
Took J home to see my small town
Drafted a fantasy football team
Drank pumpkin beer
Celebrated my little sister's 21st birthday
Took a long weekend
Got a massage
Watched a bad movie
Quit therapy
Made dips
Watched football
Watched the Chiefs & my fantasy football team lose
And lose again
And again
Took every Monday in October off
Watched a good movie
Watched another bad one
Watched the football teams lose again
And again
Took a bath
Drank wine
Ran a 5k
Watched the presidential debates
Cleaned my sister's puke off my boyfriend's wall
Felt inadequate
Talked on the phone to my mom
Put together a study binder (not full of women)
Became obsessed with olives and trying to be a good cook
Accepted J is the better cook
Talked on the phone to my friends
Drank more wine
Picked out a halloween costume
Looking forward to Halloween for the first time in years
Talked to my mom on the phone more
Ate J's smoked chicken (it's worth writing home about)
Watched new tv
Watched more new tv
Watched even more new tv with my cat
Read a good book
Read a good book in the bath
Ran a mile in less than 10 minutes
Took a health test that scared the shit out of me
Started counting calories
Was really, really cold #noheatoctober
Was really, really hot #whyisit90degreesinthefall
Realized that life is about what we have in us to be better, to do better and those that make us better
And upcoming tonight: pumpkin pie vodka & another presidential debate
Here's what you missed:
Took J home to see my small town
Drafted a fantasy football team
Drank pumpkin beer
Celebrated my little sister's 21st birthday
Took a long weekend
Got a massage
Watched a bad movie
Quit therapy
Made dips
Watched football
Watched the Chiefs & my fantasy football team lose
And lose again
And again
Took every Monday in October off
Watched a good movie
Watched another bad one
Watched the football teams lose again
And again
Took a bath
Drank wine
Ran a 5k
Watched the presidential debates
Cleaned my sister's puke off my boyfriend's wall
Felt inadequate
Talked on the phone to my mom
Put together a study binder (not full of women)
Became obsessed with olives and trying to be a good cook
Accepted J is the better cook
Talked on the phone to my friends
Drank more wine
Picked out a halloween costume
Looking forward to Halloween for the first time in years
Talked to my mom on the phone more
Ate J's smoked chicken (it's worth writing home about)
Watched new tv
Watched more new tv
Watched even more new tv with my cat
Read a good book
Read a good book in the bath
Ran a mile in less than 10 minutes
Took a health test that scared the shit out of me
Started counting calories
Was really, really cold #noheatoctober
Was really, really hot #whyisit90degreesinthefall
Realized that life is about what we have in us to be better, to do better and those that make us better
And upcoming tonight: pumpkin pie vodka & another presidential debate
Wednesday, August 22, 2012
Conversations I wish I'd never started
Conversation with my new coworker tonight. (Side note, usually in the evenings there are just two of us working and it's not very busy so there's a lot of down time. Previous coworker and I had lots of long chats about life, happiness, friends, & guys.)
Me: Where do you go to school?
Her: ____ Community College
Me: So what are you going to school for?
Her: Nursing. But like, I don't want to be a nurse. I .don't want to do anything really. A stay a thome mom, maybe. You know how women in the 50's just stayed home? I want to do, like, that. That'd be perfect.
Me: Umm, oh?
Her: Yeah, like nursing school is like so hard. I mean to get into. They want me to have good grades, like a 4.0 or something. I can't get that! Maybe if I only did school. But I have like, a life. And I work. Community college is like, actually hard. If they need so many nurses, why do they make it so hard?
Me: Uhhh?
Her: Anyway, I did some nursing work for awhile. It was fine. You know, bodily fluids don't bother me.
Me: I get grossed out.
Her: I thought about being a cosmetologist because I like, love hair & makeup. But that sounds like no money. Also I thought about being a massage therapist, but I cannot like, rub people.
Me: So bodily fluids are ok but rubbing is not?
Her: It's just like impossible! Anyway, I don't know why they even look at grades. What you want is a nurse that's just like, nice, ya know? I'm super nice. I would be great in an interview. I hope they just like interview me. And look at things I do in school besides actual school.
Me: I'm going to go check the laundry.
Ladies and gentleman, that's the future.
Me: Where do you go to school?
Her: ____ Community College
Me: So what are you going to school for?
Her: Nursing. But like, I don't want to be a nurse. I .don't want to do anything really. A stay a thome mom, maybe. You know how women in the 50's just stayed home? I want to do, like, that. That'd be perfect.
Me: Umm, oh?
Her: Yeah, like nursing school is like so hard. I mean to get into. They want me to have good grades, like a 4.0 or something. I can't get that! Maybe if I only did school. But I have like, a life. And I work. Community college is like, actually hard. If they need so many nurses, why do they make it so hard?
Me: Uhhh?
Her: Anyway, I did some nursing work for awhile. It was fine. You know, bodily fluids don't bother me.
Me: I get grossed out.
Her: I thought about being a cosmetologist because I like, love hair & makeup. But that sounds like no money. Also I thought about being a massage therapist, but I cannot like, rub people.
Me: So bodily fluids are ok but rubbing is not?
Her: It's just like impossible! Anyway, I don't know why they even look at grades. What you want is a nurse that's just like, nice, ya know? I'm super nice. I would be great in an interview. I hope they just like interview me. And look at things I do in school besides actual school.
Me: I'm going to go check the laundry.
Ladies and gentleman, that's the future.
Monday, August 6, 2012
Anxiety, Beer, & Back Pain
1. I've been struggling with my family over the past two weeks. Like struggling to the point where it actually hurts my heart. It's hard seeing people you love go through difficult things, it is even more difficult to see them make decisions that you aren't supportive of. I know that I can only be responsible for myself and my own decisions but it feels impossible to still not be upset about it.
2. Yesterday we went on the Boulevard Brewery Tour. It was a fantastic time and almost worth the two year wait.
3. I wish everyone could talk more openly about mental health. At the very least I'm learning to understand my own struggle with anxiety. My biggest anxiety attacks usually show up on Sunday nights & Monday mornings and times when I'm alone after hanging out with friends and family. Last night after the brewery tour I felt like I was literally dying, that my heart might actually explode. It was my first anxiety attack in over a month, which was feeling like a victory. But I sound like a crazy person saying I can't breathe because of the panic, don't I? Tonight I'm fine and we'll try again tomorrow.
4. My back has been in intense pain and I'm feeling a bit like I'm 25 going on 75. I'm spending a lot of time on my heating pad and trying to figure out how to fix it. It's incredible how much older I've gotten in the past few years.
5. Is it fall yet?
2. Yesterday we went on the Boulevard Brewery Tour. It was a fantastic time and almost worth the two year wait.
4. My back has been in intense pain and I'm feeling a bit like I'm 25 going on 75. I'm spending a lot of time on my heating pad and trying to figure out how to fix it. It's incredible how much older I've gotten in the past few years.
5. Is it fall yet?
Wednesday, August 1, 2012
I caved and talked about Chick-Fil-A, also birth conrol.
Tonight I am scanning my Facebook page and am, for lack of a better word, confused about a majority of the comments (regarding Chick-Fil-A) I'm reading and also who the hell are these people and am I sure they are my "friend"? As my blood is almost boiling because I hate ignorance and incomplete thought processes, I decided to take it out here on my blog rather than on Facebook (will I ever be able to just deactivate my profile?!)
Let's start by breaking down some things...
#1, Chick-Fil-A has always been closed on Sundays. Simple thought process would lead you to conclude it's based on religious affiliations, which it should not be surprising, do not wave a rainbow flag by the cross. This should not be a shocking revelation to anyone.
"He simply stated his opinion on something, making this a freedom of speech issue."
The common "this is a free speech issue" comment. If he'd said he doesn't support African Americans or women or the American flag or democracy, would we be so ok with calling it a free speech issue? I think not. Sure, he has free speech, but don't be blind to the fact that it still is a rights issue as well and people who are passionate about fighting for equal rights or those opposed, have the right to step up and speak their peace in return.
Next of all, I don't care whether you eat Chick-Fil-A every day of your life or never eat it again. If you refuse to eat Chick-Fil-A, I urge you to get educated on other businesses and what they support beause I am very sure Chick-Fil-A isn't the only business that does not support equal rights. And likewise for the reverse. And likewise again for other issues-child labor, employee rights, etc. You are incredibly ignorant if Chick-Fil-A is the only business you need to take a stand on.
Finally, for those who thing that a business owners opinions have no affect on their product and your consumption...get a clue. This is America, you vote with your dollar. Where you spend your money does directly affect various issues and this is a prime example. So don't sit there with your waffle fries and act like 20 cents of that didn't go to supporting groups who are against equal rights.
In other news, free birth control for the ladies! I think this is amazing and to those who are comparing today's birth control victory to 9/11 and Pearl Habor, you should be ashamed of yourself. You should be embarrassed and probably apologize to those who have suffered and lost loved ones to these very real tragedies. There is a vast difference between American tragedies that have caused thousands of Americans to lose their lives, including soldiers, police offiers, firefighters, etc to a day when millions of women will finally have access to necessary and basic health care. There is no comparison.
Lastly, I would like to direct you to The Wrong Side of History brought to you by Jenn.
Happy Hump Day.
Let's start by breaking down some things...
#1, Chick-Fil-A has always been closed on Sundays. Simple thought process would lead you to conclude it's based on religious affiliations, which it should not be surprising, do not wave a rainbow flag by the cross. This should not be a shocking revelation to anyone.
"He simply stated his opinion on something, making this a freedom of speech issue."
The common "this is a free speech issue" comment. If he'd said he doesn't support African Americans or women or the American flag or democracy, would we be so ok with calling it a free speech issue? I think not. Sure, he has free speech, but don't be blind to the fact that it still is a rights issue as well and people who are passionate about fighting for equal rights or those opposed, have the right to step up and speak their peace in return.
Next of all, I don't care whether you eat Chick-Fil-A every day of your life or never eat it again. If you refuse to eat Chick-Fil-A, I urge you to get educated on other businesses and what they support beause I am very sure Chick-Fil-A isn't the only business that does not support equal rights. And likewise for the reverse. And likewise again for other issues-child labor, employee rights, etc. You are incredibly ignorant if Chick-Fil-A is the only business you need to take a stand on.
Finally, for those who thing that a business owners opinions have no affect on their product and your consumption...get a clue. This is America, you vote with your dollar. Where you spend your money does directly affect various issues and this is a prime example. So don't sit there with your waffle fries and act like 20 cents of that didn't go to supporting groups who are against equal rights.
In other news, free birth control for the ladies! I think this is amazing and to those who are comparing today's birth control victory to 9/11 and Pearl Habor, you should be ashamed of yourself. You should be embarrassed and probably apologize to those who have suffered and lost loved ones to these very real tragedies. There is a vast difference between American tragedies that have caused thousands of Americans to lose their lives, including soldiers, police offiers, firefighters, etc to a day when millions of women will finally have access to necessary and basic health care. There is no comparison.
Lastly, I would like to direct you to The Wrong Side of History brought to you by Jenn.
Happy Hump Day.
Wednesday, July 18, 2012
It's burning up in here
This is the part of summer that.drags.on.and.on.
It's 100 degrees every day. The other day it was like 89 and every one was like oh wow, it's so cool. We are all sweating all.the.time. My vagina is fine but I can't help but worry about everyone else's.
Being at the pool and baseball games has lost it's excitement. Basically because it is so hot you will straight up burst into flames if you are outside for more than 20 minutes. I'm not excited about popsicles or iced coffee anymore. Nothing new is on television except for Breaking Bad (thank you Walter White). Boulevard Zon and Summer Shandy have worn me thin with their sweet lemony-ness. Nobody has anything to say to me except "Wow it's so hot out!" Occasionally someone will mention that we haven't seen rain in weeks. It's too hot for pasta or soup or to cook anything indoors. Everything exciting and good about summer has faded like the last light of a fourth of July firework.
Everyone's murmuring about, do we dare say, fall. It'll come sweet things and in November I'll be writing a post about how we're tired of...no, no wait, I won't because Fireside Nut Brown is the best beer and everyone loves 50-70 degree weather and leaves changing and Halloween/Thanksgiving and football sundays and new television shows and.and.and. So hang in there sweet things, it'll be Labor Day soon and six months from now you'll be wishing it was mid July.
It's 100 degrees every day. The other day it was like 89 and every one was like oh wow, it's so cool. We are all sweating all.the.time. My vagina is fine but I can't help but worry about everyone else's.
Being at the pool and baseball games has lost it's excitement. Basically because it is so hot you will straight up burst into flames if you are outside for more than 20 minutes. I'm not excited about popsicles or iced coffee anymore. Nothing new is on television except for Breaking Bad (thank you Walter White). Boulevard Zon and Summer Shandy have worn me thin with their sweet lemony-ness. Nobody has anything to say to me except "Wow it's so hot out!" Occasionally someone will mention that we haven't seen rain in weeks. It's too hot for pasta or soup or to cook anything indoors. Everything exciting and good about summer has faded like the last light of a fourth of July firework.
Everyone's murmuring about, do we dare say, fall. It'll come sweet things and in November I'll be writing a post about how we're tired of...no, no wait, I won't because Fireside Nut Brown is the best beer and everyone loves 50-70 degree weather and leaves changing and Halloween/Thanksgiving and football sundays and new television shows and.and.and. So hang in there sweet things, it'll be Labor Day soon and six months from now you'll be wishing it was mid July.
Tuesday, July 3, 2012
A manifesto
Let yourself be gutted. Let it open you. Start there.
Decide what is you and mainline it. Embrace the decisions that truly make you feel like you. Embrace yourself. You are magnificent and wonderful and never stop knowing that. More importantly never stop being addicted to doing whatever it is you want to do. Lose the guilt. If you want it, then that's that and move on. You are a grown ass woman, eat the cupcake if you want and then be done with it.
Gratitude, sweet pea, gratitude. Be grateful for all of it. For this moment, now matter how big or small. Be grateful that life beat you into submission because that's how you learn to fight with compassion instead of fury. You are not broken, you are bendable, and you can survive anything. Damaged goods are the best kind there are.
Stop. Just stop. Take a deep breathe. Read a book. Take a bath. Have a glass of wine. Call your mother. Laugh so hard it hurts. Spend extra money for good cheese. Dance, for the love of god, just dance, anywhere and everywhere. Spoon. Don't rush through the moments when you should have been paying attention. Say thank you. Say no. No is the kind of power the good witch wields.
Ask for help. It's ok to not be ok. That crazed fire is normal and you aren't crazy. You are the best kind of fucked up. The serpent was the best thing that ever happened to Eve. Make better mistakes tomorrow.
Be brave enough to break your own heart. Leave the bad relationship, bad job, bad habits. The only way out of a hole is to climb out. You are the deciding factor in this equation. Be true blue. Most things will be okay eventually, but not everything will be. Sometimes you’ll put up a good fight and lose. Sometimes you’ll hold on really hard and realize there is no choice but to let go. Acceptance is a small, quiet room.
When there's nothing left to burn you have to set yourself on fire. Don't be afraid to give yourself everything you've ever wanted in life. In this life. Take responsibility for the energy you bring you into this space. Be curious. Ask better questions. Say fuck yes to intimacy and truth. Love with abandon. Your heart is resilient. Above all be kind.
Decide what is you and mainline it. Embrace the decisions that truly make you feel like you. Embrace yourself. You are magnificent and wonderful and never stop knowing that. More importantly never stop being addicted to doing whatever it is you want to do. Lose the guilt. If you want it, then that's that and move on. You are a grown ass woman, eat the cupcake if you want and then be done with it.
Gratitude, sweet pea, gratitude. Be grateful for all of it. For this moment, now matter how big or small. Be grateful that life beat you into submission because that's how you learn to fight with compassion instead of fury. You are not broken, you are bendable, and you can survive anything. Damaged goods are the best kind there are.
Stop. Just stop. Take a deep breathe. Read a book. Take a bath. Have a glass of wine. Call your mother. Laugh so hard it hurts. Spend extra money for good cheese. Dance, for the love of god, just dance, anywhere and everywhere. Spoon. Don't rush through the moments when you should have been paying attention. Say thank you. Say no. No is the kind of power the good witch wields.
Ask for help. It's ok to not be ok. That crazed fire is normal and you aren't crazy. You are the best kind of fucked up. The serpent was the best thing that ever happened to Eve. Make better mistakes tomorrow.
Be brave enough to break your own heart. Leave the bad relationship, bad job, bad habits. The only way out of a hole is to climb out. You are the deciding factor in this equation. Be true blue. Most things will be okay eventually, but not everything will be. Sometimes you’ll put up a good fight and lose. Sometimes you’ll hold on really hard and realize there is no choice but to let go. Acceptance is a small, quiet room.
When there's nothing left to burn you have to set yourself on fire. Don't be afraid to give yourself everything you've ever wanted in life. In this life. Take responsibility for the energy you bring you into this space. Be curious. Ask better questions. Say fuck yes to intimacy and truth. Love with abandon. Your heart is resilient. Above all be kind.
Monday, June 18, 2012
A non exclusive list of things that make me anxious
Sunday nights from 5 pm - 10 pm
Monday, Tuesday, & Wednesday mornings from 6 am-9am
Being on the top floor of a mall
Driving in a new area
Driving in traffic
Checking my bank statement
Getting calls from people I don't know
Going to the gynecologist, dentist, pharmacist, & optomotrist
If I leave my cell phone rings and I don't know the number
Every time my work phone rings
If I have more than 3 voicemails
Anytime someone tells me to just "get a new job"
November 11
March 6
December 26
January 2
When my fingernails are too short
Paying for a dinner I really can't afford
Being out of wine
Too many events planned in a row
Hamburgers
Having to drive another human being anywhere
Bills
Paying my rent
My bed
Swimsuits
If it might possibly snow
If my pant legs will be wet
If water gets through my shoes
Monday, Tuesday, & Wednesday mornings from 6 am-9am
Being on the top floor of a mall
Driving in a new area
Driving in traffic
Checking my bank statement
Getting calls from people I don't know
Going to the gynecologist, dentist, pharmacist, & optomotrist
If I leave my cell phone rings and I don't know the number
Every time my work phone rings
If I have more than 3 voicemails
Anytime someone tells me to just "get a new job"
November 11
March 6
December 26
January 2
When my fingernails are too short
Paying for a dinner I really can't afford
Being out of wine
Too many events planned in a row
Hamburgers
Having to drive another human being anywhere
Bills
Paying my rent
My bed
Swimsuits
If it might possibly snow
If my pant legs will be wet
If water gets through my shoes
Monday, June 11, 2012
I I I'm spread way too thin, everybody wants to know what's happening...
Some days are good, some days are bad. Today was nothing tomato soup, Mr. Riggins, a run, & a glass of wine couldn't handle.
Sometimes I feel like "is this it?" and feel as if I'm wasting my talents. But then I'm like "what talents?" and go back to my wine.
Here's my favorite tweet from the Mad Men finale: "Unhappiness is the only true consistent in life. Also, I want to bite Roger's ass." -Lemmonex
Yesterday was my mom's 52 birthday. It feels sometimes as if her life is just starting and there's so much potential. It's pretty amazing. She's the most amazing person I know. I know most people say that about their moms, but I'm serious. I'll tell you sometime if you are ever curious.
Sometimes I feel like "is this it?" and feel as if I'm wasting my talents. But then I'm like "what talents?" and go back to my wine.
Here's my favorite tweet from the Mad Men finale: "Unhappiness is the only true consistent in life. Also, I want to bite Roger's ass." -Lemmonex
Yesterday was my mom's 52 birthday. It feels sometimes as if her life is just starting and there's so much potential. It's pretty amazing. She's the most amazing person I know. I know most people say that about their moms, but I'm serious. I'll tell you sometime if you are ever curious.
Wednesday, May 16, 2012
Not growing up but growing into yourself/A list of things I do and don't GAF about
There's an upside to getting older. With getting older comes experience, the knowing what you want, and most importantly, what you don't, feeling more than just ok with yourself, at least once in awhile, and if you are very lucky, meeting people you want to hang onto for more than just right now.
It took seeing it right in front of my face in a more than apparent shitshow that this is so true and what's happened to me. I am still a shocking wreck sometimes, but ya know, I'm kind of grown into myself, for better or worse. And that's what I learned last weekend.
In other news here are few things I don't give a fuck about:
What your baby is doing, particulary related to potty training
How much money you have/are getting from your parents
Anything related to yogurt, Greek or regular
Your eating habits in general: how you don't eat meat, how you don't eat vegetables, how you don't eat gluten, how you don't eat sugar...ughzzzz
Your band
Instagram
Tumblr
Cleaning my apartment
Cooking
Here are some things I definitely do give a fuck about:
Gel manicures
Mi Ranchito
Solo cups
This weekend
GIRLS
It took seeing it right in front of my face in a more than apparent shitshow that this is so true and what's happened to me. I am still a shocking wreck sometimes, but ya know, I'm kind of grown into myself, for better or worse. And that's what I learned last weekend.
In other news here are few things I don't give a fuck about:
What your baby is doing, particulary related to potty training
How much money you have/are getting from your parents
Anything related to yogurt, Greek or regular
Your eating habits in general: how you don't eat meat, how you don't eat vegetables, how you don't eat gluten, how you don't eat sugar...ughzzzz
Your band
Tumblr
Cleaning my apartment
Cooking
Here are some things I definitely do give a fuck about:
Gel manicures
Mi Ranchito
Solo cups
This weekend
GIRLS
Wednesday, April 4, 2012
Be brave enough to break your own heart
These are the decisions I'm actively making now. These things, day by day, are my becoming.
All those things I said I'd do when I was younger-move to Boston, get a tattoo, vacation in Europe, have a job that I'm passionate about, wake up in the morning without thinking "what the fuck are you doing," I'm not doing any of them.
But now I'm actively not doing them. I chose all these things. I'm still choosing them, day by day. These things are my choice. To stay in Kansas City, to pay off my debt and buy a bed rather than vacation, to stay at this job. I pick these things every day. I could wake up tomorrow and change it all if I wanted, but I don't. These are things I want.
But god damn, what I'd give for some guts to do it.
P.S. Dave Annabele in Brothers & Sisters in his Army uniform. You're welcome.
All those things I said I'd do when I was younger-move to Boston, get a tattoo, vacation in Europe, have a job that I'm passionate about, wake up in the morning without thinking "what the fuck are you doing," I'm not doing any of them.
But now I'm actively not doing them. I chose all these things. I'm still choosing them, day by day. These things are my choice. To stay in Kansas City, to pay off my debt and buy a bed rather than vacation, to stay at this job. I pick these things every day. I could wake up tomorrow and change it all if I wanted, but I don't. These are things I want.
But god damn, what I'd give for some guts to do it.
P.S. Dave Annabele in Brothers & Sisters in his Army uniform. You're welcome.
Wednesday, March 21, 2012
3 days, 288 ounces of juice
I decided to do a 3 day juice cleanse from Blue Print Cleanse because I'm...insane.
I paid a shit ton of money to have 288 ounces of juice shipped to me. For 5 days before I started I had no caffeine or meat. 3 days before no dairy. 1 day before no alcohol. J said if this was my life we'd break up. I'd break up with myself.
I crack open the first juice around 9 am on day 1. After reading other blogs I was nervous for this green salad juice. But it was fantastic. It was crisp and fresh and tasted like an actual salad. Two hours later I had juice 2 which was a nice fruity pineapple apple mint juice. Juice 3 is actually just Juice 1 again. And then juice 4 is spicy lemonade. It was 5 pm and I was all "I'm so amazing and I've totally got this. I'll have the skinniez and never eat solid food again!" Then juice five...the beet carrot juice. Aka pure dirt shit. It was terrible. There are about twenty nine gross things I'd rather eat than drink this juice. But they promised juice 6 (cashew milk) was great and to hold on. But french fries. All I can think about are fried potatoes with salt and ketchup. But that sixth juice was like a cookie and that was ok.
I wake up on day 2 with a serious case of the skinniez. My stomach is the flatest it's ever been. Day 2 of juices is a breeze. I fly through the juice, workout, have a great day. I don't even miss food at this point.
Then I wake up on day 3. While I'm having an even better case of the skinniez I would punch you in the face for some solid food. I start to crave onions & fish. I miss chewing. I am so tired of drinking liquid. Between each of the juices you drink a glass of water. There is no point in the day where you aren't drinking something. My friend keeps talking about what we'll eat for dinner the next night. I tell him to fuck off. At 3 pm on a Friday afternoon I fall asleep for 2 hours because I'm angry, tired, and just so hungry. I blow off juice 5 and only manage to drink half of juice 6.
I finished the rest of juice 6 the next day and waited til our dinner to eat again. Where I had onions & salmon. Since the juice cleanse I eat onions or fish or both every single day. Isn't that disgusting? I don't know what's wrong with me. It was nice that it was all planned out and I felt so skinny. I'd definitely do it again though.
I paid a shit ton of money to have 288 ounces of juice shipped to me. For 5 days before I started I had no caffeine or meat. 3 days before no dairy. 1 day before no alcohol. J said if this was my life we'd break up. I'd break up with myself.
I crack open the first juice around 9 am on day 1. After reading other blogs I was nervous for this green salad juice. But it was fantastic. It was crisp and fresh and tasted like an actual salad. Two hours later I had juice 2 which was a nice fruity pineapple apple mint juice. Juice 3 is actually just Juice 1 again. And then juice 4 is spicy lemonade. It was 5 pm and I was all "I'm so amazing and I've totally got this. I'll have the skinniez and never eat solid food again!" Then juice five...the beet carrot juice. Aka pure dirt shit. It was terrible. There are about twenty nine gross things I'd rather eat than drink this juice. But they promised juice 6 (cashew milk) was great and to hold on. But french fries. All I can think about are fried potatoes with salt and ketchup. But that sixth juice was like a cookie and that was ok.
I wake up on day 2 with a serious case of the skinniez. My stomach is the flatest it's ever been. Day 2 of juices is a breeze. I fly through the juice, workout, have a great day. I don't even miss food at this point.
Then I wake up on day 3. While I'm having an even better case of the skinniez I would punch you in the face for some solid food. I start to crave onions & fish. I miss chewing. I am so tired of drinking liquid. Between each of the juices you drink a glass of water. There is no point in the day where you aren't drinking something. My friend keeps talking about what we'll eat for dinner the next night. I tell him to fuck off. At 3 pm on a Friday afternoon I fall asleep for 2 hours because I'm angry, tired, and just so hungry. I blow off juice 5 and only manage to drink half of juice 6.
I finished the rest of juice 6 the next day and waited til our dinner to eat again. Where I had onions & salmon. Since the juice cleanse I eat onions or fish or both every single day. Isn't that disgusting? I don't know what's wrong with me. It was nice that it was all planned out and I felt so skinny. I'd definitely do it again though.
Monday, March 5, 2012
We gonna party like it's your birthday (because it is and i'm not too old to say that)
I'm 25 today.
I don't know, you tell me.
I don't know, you tell me.
Sunday, January 29, 2012
I was trying to describe you to someone a few days ago
I was trying to describe you to someone a few days ago.
You don’t look like any girl I’ve ever seen before.I couldn’t say “Well she looks just like Jane Fonda, except that she’s got red hair, and her mouth is different and of course, she’s not a movie star…”
I couldn’t say that because you don’t look like Jane Fonda at all.
I finally ended up describing you as a movie I saw when I was a child in Tacoma Washington. I guess I saw it in 1941 or 42, somewhere in there. I think I was seven, or eight, or six.
It was a movie about rural electrification, a perfect 1930’s New Deal morality kind of movie to show kids. The movie was about farmers living in the country without electricity. They had to use lanterns to see by at night, for sewing and reading, and they didn’t have any appliances like toasters or washing machines, and they couldn’t listen to the radio
They built a dam with big electric generators and they put poles across the countryside and strung wire over fields and pastures.There was an incredible heroic dimension that came from the simple putting up of poles for the wires to travel along. They looked ancient and modern at the same time.
Then the movie showed electricity like a young Greek god, coming to the farmer to take away forever the dark ways of his life. Suddenly, religiously, with the throwing of a switch, the farmer had electric lights to see by when he milked his cows in the early black winter mornings. The farmer’s family got to listen to the radio and have a toaster and lots of bright lights to sew dresses and read the newspaper by.
It was really a fantastic movie and excited me like listening to the Star Spangled Banner, or seeing photographs of President Roosevelt, or hearing him on the radio “… the President of the United States… "
I wanted electricity to go everywhere in the world. I wanted all the farmers in the world to be able to listen to President Roosevelt on the radio….
And that’s how you look to me.
You don’t look like any girl I’ve ever seen before.I couldn’t say “Well she looks just like Jane Fonda, except that she’s got red hair, and her mouth is different and of course, she’s not a movie star…”
I couldn’t say that because you don’t look like Jane Fonda at all.
I finally ended up describing you as a movie I saw when I was a child in Tacoma Washington. I guess I saw it in 1941 or 42, somewhere in there. I think I was seven, or eight, or six.
It was a movie about rural electrification, a perfect 1930’s New Deal morality kind of movie to show kids. The movie was about farmers living in the country without electricity. They had to use lanterns to see by at night, for sewing and reading, and they didn’t have any appliances like toasters or washing machines, and they couldn’t listen to the radio
They built a dam with big electric generators and they put poles across the countryside and strung wire over fields and pastures.There was an incredible heroic dimension that came from the simple putting up of poles for the wires to travel along. They looked ancient and modern at the same time.
Then the movie showed electricity like a young Greek god, coming to the farmer to take away forever the dark ways of his life. Suddenly, religiously, with the throwing of a switch, the farmer had electric lights to see by when he milked his cows in the early black winter mornings. The farmer’s family got to listen to the radio and have a toaster and lots of bright lights to sew dresses and read the newspaper by.
It was really a fantastic movie and excited me like listening to the Star Spangled Banner, or seeing photographs of President Roosevelt, or hearing him on the radio “… the President of the United States… "
I wanted electricity to go everywhere in the world. I wanted all the farmers in the world to be able to listen to President Roosevelt on the radio….
And that’s how you look to me.
The end of NDJ, Nicki Minaj moments, and NOT freaking out
Well, No Drink January is over and I still don't know how to juggle or use chopsticks and don't even have 100 miles logged yet. I'm nowhere near ready to run my 5k, let alone to do it in under 30 minutes. I didn't lose a lot of weight nor did I finish reading an entire book and my skin does not look extremely hydrated. However, I did accomplish not feeling like a complete alcoholic and I also got an iPhone. We'll call it even and just move on to February.
It is Sunday evening and I am not crying in my bathtub, I'm not sitting on the floor having a panic attack. This is the greatest gift this year has given me and I am so very grateful for it. I can get up and go to work and not worry that I'll have to go cry in my car after 30 minutes. I feel hopeful and that working hard might mean something again. I get to learn and use my brain and am treated like an adult. I could really do this, I could be happy and succesful.
The “Nicki Minaj moment,” which is basically any real life version of that line in Nicki Minaj’s song that goes “Yes I did, yes I did, somebody please tell him who the eff I is” that in my mind loosely translates to, “YOU BEST BELIEVE I’M DOING THIS CRAZY ASS THING. BAM!” -@nicoleisbetter
We're doing this, we're really, really doing this.
It is Sunday evening and I am not crying in my bathtub, I'm not sitting on the floor having a panic attack. This is the greatest gift this year has given me and I am so very grateful for it. I can get up and go to work and not worry that I'll have to go cry in my car after 30 minutes. I feel hopeful and that working hard might mean something again. I get to learn and use my brain and am treated like an adult. I could really do this, I could be happy and succesful.
The “Nicki Minaj moment,” which is basically any real life version of that line in Nicki Minaj’s song that goes “Yes I did, yes I did, somebody please tell him who the eff I is” that in my mind loosely translates to, “YOU BEST BELIEVE I’M DOING THIS CRAZY ASS THING. BAM!” -@nicoleisbetter
We're doing this, we're really, really doing this.
Sunday, January 1, 2012
So this is the new year...
2011 was not a terrible year but it was not an easy year by any means. For the most part I just feel so, so lucky.
Here are my goals for 2012
1) Run a 5k in under 30 minutes (April 14, 2012)
2) Complete No Drink January (aka NDJ)
3) Learn to juggle
4) Learn to use chopsticks
5) Complete 1,000 miles in 2012
So this brings us to No Drink January. Some people call it Sober January. Anyway, I'm not drinking any alcohol during the month of January, except for my going away party on January 13th (MLK Weekend!). I am sort of concerned about how it's going to go because I am sure going to miss my wine. But I am excited about making positive choices and moving forward with my life.
Here we go!
Here are my goals for 2012
1) Run a 5k in under 30 minutes (April 14, 2012)
2) Complete No Drink January (aka NDJ)
3) Learn to juggle
4) Learn to use chopsticks
5) Complete 1,000 miles in 2012
So this brings us to No Drink January. Some people call it Sober January. Anyway, I'm not drinking any alcohol during the month of January, except for my going away party on January 13th (MLK Weekend!). I am sort of concerned about how it's going to go because I am sure going to miss my wine. But I am excited about making positive choices and moving forward with my life.
Here we go!
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