And she swears there's nothing wrong

Here's sort of what my day is like:

8:50 AM: Roll into work
9:00 AM: Meeting with manager, suggest I want a new job, sad moment-Titanic Music
9:30 AM: Complain to @xCarling, Make one phone call returning one of 13 voicemails, stare at email, stare at claims screen, check career website, instant message coworkers
10:00 AM: Team Meeting, we write nice things about each other on paper. I'm told I "know how to work the system and am really FUN!" I feel disappointed.
11:00 AM: A customer is sad and getting dicked over. I feel bad and spend the next hour making it right. Some douche calls me and I get snotty.
11:30 PM: Send bitchy email for people to give me money for baby shower gift due a week ago
12:00 NOON Lunch at Panera with coworker. complain a lot. suggest new position in same company will solve all problems.
1:00 PM: Decide to get it together, work hard, make lots of calls. Suprisingly, don't get called a bitch.
1:30 PM: Continue trying to be bff with new cube mate. I ask how he's doing, he makes a motion of climbing up a ladder. I don't have the heart to tell him there's no end.
2:00 PM: Try to figure when the afternoon meeting is
2:30 PM: Meeting is now
3:00 PM: Instant message @xCarling, tell her about said meetings, complain about how much work I have to do.
3:30 PM: Listen to 16 voicemails
4:00 PM: Call Danielle & Trudy. They are cranky.
4:15 PM: Call Ty & Pam. They are crazy and loud. I get snotty. They are lying to me.
4:30 PM: Calculate how late I stay at work for the day
5:00 PM: Work on behavior review to convince management I'm awesome.
5:30 PM: Chat with coworker, agree that new positions would be way better.
5:36 PM: Give up and leave

America: The Story of Us & Booze: The Story of What I Drank While Watching

Episode 11: Superpower

They build the interstate. Sometimes I could walk home faster than the traffic on the interstate moves. Bill Maher says this means nothing can stop you from doing what you want. Every day I drive on I-35 southbound I want to blow right past my work exit and drive until I reach Texas. But I can't because I can't do whatever I want. This is probably the most important lesson to learn in your early 20s.

They develop the suburbs. Some major says "at the end of the day I want to go home and drink a beer and watch football and bbq in my backyard and celebrate the 4th of July." That's really what I want from my life too.

Segregation happens. And then it doesn't. I think of Remember the Titans.

Sort of confused on why we aren't talking about JFK or MLK.

I drank a lot of vodka & wine in this episode.

America: The Story of Us & Booze: The Story of What I Drank While Watching Part Three

Episode Ten: World War Two

Pearl Harbor. Not the movie with Ben Affleck & Josh Hartnett (Wasn't Kate so lucky?) But in real life we are all "Fuck the Japanese!" Except here it's not funny. Because it's closer to home. Pearl Harbor hit hard. And D-Day happened. Women were awesome and worked hard. Shit wasn't easy. And there aren't really any jokes to make. My mom took me to see Saving Private Ryan when I was 10. My mom made me close my eyes for the first 10 minutes. Oh also, I'm drinking Riesling.

Atomic Bomb.



The Japanese surrender. Do you think in Japan they have movies like "Hiroshima" that involve asian Ben Affleck and a love triangle? It's an interesting thought. This show skips right over any ethical dilemma about dropping BOTH bombs and moves right on into us celebrating and the war ending with us making more money and of course, the baby boom. Sure we became a superpower, but at what cost?

America: The Story of Us & Booze: The Story of What I Drank While Watching (Part Dos)

We're still going on this nonsense journey.

Episode Eight: Boom

America finds oil. And we all know, oil=awesomeoness=$$$. America basically gets rich and wants to party. Just like I'm finishing up a glass of vodka & diet dr pepper. Henry Ford makes some cars. People yell "woah!" instead of mother fucking braking, thus inventing the car accident, and making my current life both possible & shitty. Thanks H.F., this one is for you (finish vodka, pour Riesling)! People now have money & time, so what are they going to do? Drink. But America says fuck that. Prohibition time. Drinking is not ok. People say fuck that, I'll hide it in my car. This is the same logic I applied when I was in high school. I got an MIP. People in the 20's got arrested. But people back then were more bad ass about it. They got guns and started shooting shit up. The goverment solidified its place as worthless because because people are getting shot up in the streets and they can't do anything but investigate tax invasion. It's like now when people are murderers but all they do is search for people not wearing seatbelts. Anyway, insert shit on Al Capone here. I want to be like "America, listen up, shit's about to get real up in here for the next 20 some years so you should probably have a keg party right about now." At least they repealed prohibition. As Bill Maher says, "People NEED a drink."

Right about here I got pissed we didn't talk about Titanic but in reality, it makes sense. I mean, that boat didn't make it to America. (You can take an extra drink here for Jack).

Episode Nine: Bust

I fucking told you shit's about to get real. Let's get another glass of wine for this one. We've got Tom motherfucking Brokaw talking about savings. The Bank=Mr. Potter in "It's a Wonderful Life." The Hoover Dam is brilliant apparently. I've never seen it. Tom Brokaw says the damn is the shit. I say "I miss Peter Jennings." Las Vegas becomes awesome. At this point, I'm kind of concerned about America as a whole. Basically the past 50 years all we've had to talk about is partying. Not that it's a bad thing, but when we want to talk about why we have crazy troubles, I want us to remember this. 1934=The environment goes to shit=awesome CGI. But basically, this means we are fucked. Then hints of news internationally "will change America forever." We say fuck that shit and build Mt. Rushmore. Tom Brokaw says it's a statment. I say pour me another glass of wine because we've got a triple crisis happening and we are ignoring all of it. In case you aren't paying attention, we've got depression, dust, & potential war. FYI: In 30,000 years Mt. Rushmore will be just rocks due to weathering.

I'm like wtf, what about World War I? But oh yeah, we weren't even in that War. We were partying.

Rev. Al Sharpton thinks we are missing the most important event of the depression decade. He says it's Joe Louis vs. Schmeling. It's confusing because at this point in history America doesn't give black people any rights and they hate Germany so I don't know, but we are still like "Fuck yeah! Beat his face!"

America: The Story of Us & Booze: The Story of What I Drank While Watching

I decided to watch America: The Story of Us on Netflix Instant while drinking. Carling, who you can follow at @xCarling, suggested I blog about it. We always have the best ideas.

(please note that I did not watch all these episodes back to back, nor did I die of alcohol poisoning)

Episode One: Rebels

I'm immediately engrossed. Awesome computer graphics, mentions of Pocahontas, and I'm a couple glasses of Shiraz in. Also we find the deep seeded roots of America fucking over other ethnicities for profit. But more so, there's the thinking that that's patriotic. So I'm all "Fuck yeah, grow that tobacco wherever you want! Fuck those people who owned this land first! Also, more Shiraz!"

Episode Two: Revolution

Taxes? Being bossy? Eh, we're over it. "Fuck England! Fuck taxes! Fuck this tea! More Shiraz!" Also, George Washington is a baller. He totally rocks out Valley Forge in the winter. Did you know he basically started mainstreaming vaccinations but in a totally gross way that involves chopping off someone's smallpox and rubbing it in your battle wound? Gross, but genius. This is how he won. I mean, he won because he's a genius, not because he's gross. He also wore cool hats.

Episode Three: Westward

Oregon Trail. Sorry you are about to lose the next like 15 hours of your life playing that game. But it's basically this. Also, this cute little husband and wife had a baby in a wagon. But then the next day 5 feet of snow fell and the husband had to eat the baby and wife. They don't have that option on the game. Also gold & The Alamo. And Shiraz.

Episode Four: Division

Did you know slavery was on the decline in the south before the cotton gin? After the cotton gin the south become Gone With the Wind (part 1). Abe Lincoln kept a file in his desk called "Assasination" before he was even elected. Also whales played a huge role in our country. The same way Shiraz is playing a role in my life.

Episode Five: Civil War

You know this one. North vs. South. Turns out Abe Lincoln knows how to be a baller and use the railroad. Lots of blood & death. Also a lot of opportunity to say phrases like "a country divided" and "brother against brother." Abe & the north win out. Sheryl Crow calls this "a dark spot in our history." Clearly, nobody was soaking up the sun here. Think of this as Gone With the Wind part 2. Also I'm drinking Riesling now.

Episode Six: Heartland

As soon as the title comes up, I push pause and play George Strait's "Heartland." I pour another glass of Riesling. I finish it while singing to my cat "Sing a song about the heartland, sing a song about my life." Then I pour a glass of vodka and sit the fuck down. This is basically Little House on the Prairie. There was a scary tornado scene & a lot of bison. Also, sod houses. (We also glaze over the fact that at this point we are totally fucking over the Native Americans. We're getting less excited about fucking other people over. It's just not PC. See also Custer's Last Stand.)

At this point we've got some common themes. The narrator enjoys saying things about change such as "America was changed forever" and "This changed everything."

Episode Seven: Cities

People realize the country kind of sucks. You know, with the Native Americans & having to do everything themselves. So they decided to fuck the Heartland, build some tall ass buildings, and find ways to get Chinese food at 3 am. (Just kidding about the last part, that's later.) Anyway, they build some tall buildings and then of course decide to be criminals. This is how mug shots got invented. Also there was a bitching fire in which a bunch of people died. I went to get more vodka & popcorn and when I came back some guys in white suits were sweeping shit off the streets. They said stuff got sanitary. Also, it took 25 years for the Statue of Liberty to turn green. That's an awesome fact. You are welcome.

I think we are missing some big times here. When did stuff like phones & electricity happen? We're sort of skimming over some big events for the sake of minor stuff like bad weather & sod houses. But whatevs, I didn't make America.

Who wants another glass?