I decided to watch America: The Story of Us on Netflix Instant while drinking. Carling, who you can follow at @xCarling, suggested I blog about it. We always have the best ideas.
(please note that I did not watch all these episodes back to back, nor did I die of alcohol poisoning)
Episode One: Rebels
I'm immediately engrossed. Awesome computer graphics, mentions of Pocahontas, and I'm a couple glasses of Shiraz in. Also we find the deep seeded roots of America fucking over other ethnicities for profit. But more so, there's the thinking that that's patriotic. So I'm all "Fuck yeah, grow that tobacco wherever you want! Fuck those people who owned this land first! Also, more Shiraz!"
Episode Two: Revolution
Taxes? Being bossy? Eh, we're over it. "Fuck England! Fuck taxes! Fuck this tea! More Shiraz!" Also, George Washington is a baller. He totally rocks out Valley Forge in the winter. Did you know he basically started mainstreaming vaccinations but in a totally gross way that involves chopping off someone's smallpox and rubbing it in your battle wound? Gross, but genius. This is how he won. I mean, he won because he's a genius, not because he's gross. He also wore cool hats.
Episode Three: Westward
Oregon Trail. Sorry you are about to lose the next like 15 hours of your life playing that game. But it's basically this. Also, this cute little husband and wife had a baby in a wagon. But then the next day 5 feet of snow fell and the husband had to eat the baby and wife. They don't have that option on the game. Also gold & The Alamo. And Shiraz.
Episode Four: Division
Did you know slavery was on the decline in the south before the cotton gin? After the cotton gin the south become Gone With the Wind (part 1). Abe Lincoln kept a file in his desk called "Assasination" before he was even elected. Also whales played a huge role in our country. The same way Shiraz is playing a role in my life.
Episode Five: Civil War
You know this one. North vs. South. Turns out Abe Lincoln knows how to be a baller and use the railroad. Lots of blood & death. Also a lot of opportunity to say phrases like "a country divided" and "brother against brother." Abe & the north win out. Sheryl Crow calls this "a dark spot in our history." Clearly, nobody was soaking up the sun here. Think of this as Gone With the Wind part 2. Also I'm drinking Riesling now.
Episode Six: Heartland
As soon as the title comes up, I push pause and play George Strait's "Heartland." I pour another glass of Riesling. I finish it while singing to my cat "Sing a song about the heartland, sing a song about my life." Then I pour a glass of vodka and sit the fuck down. This is basically Little House on the Prairie. There was a scary tornado scene & a lot of bison. Also, sod houses. (We also glaze over the fact that at this point we are totally fucking over the Native Americans. We're getting less excited about fucking other people over. It's just not PC. See also Custer's Last Stand.)
At this point we've got some common themes. The narrator enjoys saying things about change such as "America was changed forever" and "This changed everything."
Episode Seven: Cities
People realize the country kind of sucks. You know, with the Native Americans & having to do everything themselves. So they decided to fuck the Heartland, build some tall ass buildings, and find ways to get Chinese food at 3 am. (Just kidding about the last part, that's later.) Anyway, they build some tall buildings and then of course decide to be criminals. This is how mug shots got invented. Also there was a bitching fire in which a bunch of people died. I went to get more vodka & popcorn and when I came back some guys in white suits were sweeping shit off the streets. They said stuff got sanitary. Also, it took 25 years for the Statue of Liberty to turn green. That's an awesome fact. You are welcome.
I think we are missing some big times here. When did stuff like phones & electricity happen? We're sort of skimming over some big events for the sake of minor stuff like bad weather & sod houses. But whatevs, I didn't make America.
Who wants another glass?
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