The ties that bind

I didn't go to see the city I went to see it around you.

And that's so true. I was looking for happiness more than a tourist shot. I wanted to figure this out. All of it. Instead we watched too many episodes of Intervention and I've never felt so much anxiety. But then too much time passes and now I feel awkward and sad and have no idea how you, or your new girlfriend, feel. I look back on that time with fondness and often wonder how that all happened. It's a good story, well, for everyone but me.

In unrelated news, this weekend was hard. I'll probably never forget that 6 a.m. text that said "please call me, i need help." My phone was on vibrate but woke me up, of course I called immediately. "I'm in the hospital and I don't know how I got here or what happened." Panic set in and then relief, simply because you were ok enough to make a phone call. And as the day went on and the details unfolded, I felt every emotion a big sister could feel. I was angry at how high your BAC was & how you went to a frat party with idiot girls. I was furious at whatever frat douche canoe asshole decided to slip GHB into your drink. It broke my heart when I had to ask if you'd been raped. I laid there in my bedroom, which had flooded last night and kept me up until 2 a.m., so thankful you were fine but so disheartened of what happened. I wanted you to be 3 years old again and take your hand because you were too scared of the slide. But now I'm hundreds of miles away and begging you to call our mom. And as much as I want to be angry, so angry at you. I can't be. The things I see in you that I'm most angry at, those are things I see in myself. I never ended up in a hospital, but I sure had my own nights that led to mornings of how the hell did I get here? But, damn. I couldn't imagine. I still can't. But the relief, the relief that you are okay.

The Opposite of the Chyrsler 200 Commercial

My job is hard. Not in the way that the actual act of doing the job is hard, because it's not. It's not at all. You drove drunk and sideswiped a car, you are at fault. Your car was hit while parked, you aren't at fault. Simple. It's being busy because all the time because people are awful drivers. It's being called a blind jackass or a worthless bitch by the driver of that 1999 Dodge Neon who didn't call the police after an accident or carry collision coverage. For the former, I'm just tired. Tired of working 7 am until 6 pm. Tired of working Saturday, the best of all the days. For the latter, I'm sad. I just don't like being yelled at. I don't want to be called those names and screamed at and hung up on. I'm just a girl in a cube in Kansas working long days. The days, the weeks, the months, they blend. I don't know if it's February and we're working on your 2002 Honda Civic rear ending or if it's April and we're talking about your 2004 Ford Focus failure to yield.

P.S. Mazdas & Pontiacs are rarely in my wrecks.

Bullshit Monday

Find yourself one day unexplainably really happy – but not extremely happy, and find yourself one day unexplainably really fucking depressed, but not that fucking depressed. In turn, just find everything completely predictable and safe – nothing can happen outside the structure you’ve come to understand, and let this depress you greatly, and let it be the source of your motivation and happiness. @thoughtcatalog

To me, this is life.

I'm not meant for you and you're not meant for me

Tomorrow night I have a first date. But tonight I'm crying. For some reason, Facebook sent me our message history. Messages from 5 years ago. Back in 2006 when you had an ex-girlfriend you desperately wanted back and I wanted to start something with someone new. 5 years later and those people still fuck us up. 5 years and we're still talking.

My friends won't listen anymore. They're done with it. They say "He's an asshole, move on, you can do better." But to me I can't. I can't do better than you.

You are a god in my eyes. I close my eyes and think of your chest and can't imagine ever wanting someone else the way I want you. I spend my days convincing myself that we're friends. Very Callie & Mark from Grey's. Except minus the lesbianism & the baby. But we're more George & Meredith from Grey's. Except I'm George, but plus the Meredith tears.

But you don't feel the same.

So I'll go on this date, but I know when I go home I'll have a text from you.

And I'll respond.

And I'll try to say something witty. Or maybe you'll insult me. Or maybe both.

And then he'll text. Saying he had a great time and loved my eyes and my stories about my cat and work. And in reality, that's pretty much perfect.

But I'll blow him off. And probably text you "where have all the good guys gone?" And you'll say "I saw that girl tonight, the one I dated, I'm freaking out." And then we'll get drunk on vodka and probably text "Throbbing cock" / "Wet pussy" to each other.

And I'll wake up and go to work and so will you. And nothing will be different.

Except everyone's heart is broken.

I wanna wake up where you are/I won't say anything at all

There's that way I feel when I wake up in your bed. My eyes crack open and I see that it's daytime. I feel my bare skin against the sheets. I breathe in deeply. It smells simple and clean, like recently done laundry. I roll over to the right, because I always sleep on the left, and see you. I want to trace the lines of your body with my fingers. But I close my eyes instead. I always imagine that this will be the last time I see you. The last time I touch you. It's this sinking feeling that I feel every time. You always get out of bed first. But not this time. This time I opened my eyes, looked at your back, and sat up. I want to pull you close and kiss you and hear you say "see you soon!"

But you don't. And so I won't.

Snow, work, and fake shovels

In case you live somewhere warm and sunny, this is what the rest of the country has been dealing with.



And snow like that makes me think I should have been a teacher. Or chosen any type of job that doesn't get worse when you don't go combined with weather like this. So Tuesday I was driving to work and lost control of my car blah blah so I made an adult snow day. I watched stupid tv, ate girl scout cookies, and got drunk by 5 p.m. But then today I was all, ugh, seriously time to dig out and go to work like a real adult. But I'm not a farmer or construction worker so I don't own a shovel. So I spent an hour digging my car out with this:



And then I went to work and had 42 voicemails. From people in Florida saying "Bitch you better call me back, I've called you 4 times today, this scratch on my car has to be fixed ASAP."

Then to top it all off, I get home at 7 p.m. and then realize my face is red. And rashy. And gross. And at first I'm like what kind of face disease do I have?! But then I was like maybe this from an hour of laundry basket snow scooping at 8 a.m. in 4 degree weather. Maybe.

Is it too late to be a teacher? Also, as I drove out of my apartment I saw a guy shoveling with a pizza pan. I wonder what his face looks like.

The Town, The Past, And Feeling Way Too Much

This weekend the past was way too in my face. The weekend basically went "boy, booze, more booze, talking, crying, boy, apologize, booze, best friend, boy, other boy, more booze, lots more booze, embarrassing text messages, other boy, crying, apologize, booze, more booze, trying not to cry, The Town, more booze, boy, best friend, booze, more booze with boy & other boy, goodbyes, trying not to cry but still crying a little, booze, more booze with best friend, The Town." If you think that sounds like a disaster then you should know that it was.

So I need a new plan. I need to put the past away, put down the vodka, and feel.

http://twitter.com/stratejoy
15. Don’t be afraid to love with abandon. Love is a renewable resource and yes, your heart is resilient.
1. Practice radical acceptance towards yourself and others

"...I just want you to know that it's gonna be me who tells you to fuck yourself." -The Town