It was February 18, 2010...

I only know the exact date because I remember the new episode of Grey's Anatomy that premiered that Thursday. It was my first trip to the city on my own, it was for a job test. The test was at 8 am that Friday. I took Friday off work and drove down that Thursday night. I was too scared to ask him to stay at his apartment. So I got a hotel room. When I checked in I got coupons for free drinks at the hotel bar. I found a way to make it from the hotel to the mall. I didn't know the area at all. And now, now it's so funny. I work just a few miles from there. I drove that road every day for a year. You texted me "why did you get a hotel? why didn't you just stay here?" I told you to join me at the hotel. A pool, a bar, a big bed...what's not to get excited about?

You told me you couldn't, that you didn't have time. I should have realized then, in that moment. Instead of waiting it out another year. But I'm dumb and that's another story. So I went to the bar. I ate pasta and drank vodka tonic after vodka tonic. I felt fancy, drinking alone at a hotel bar. Almost poetic, in some way. I went back upstairs and sat in my empty hotel room and watched that episode. It was a flashback episode ironically.

It snowed the next morning. It snowed so badly that the normal hour and thirty minute drive took three hours. It was painful and terrible. And I remember the relief of getting home. Parking my car and walking inside and knowing I made it. That there was a big girl life out there for me and I'd find it and live and survive and do all the things.

It's these moments that come up, every now and then. And I remember this life that feels like a lifetime ago, even though it wasn't. And it's random moments like these that leave me with the most vivid memories.

The Town, The Past, And Feeling Way Too Much

This weekend the past was way too in my face. The weekend basically went "boy, booze, more booze, talking, crying, boy, apologize, booze, best friend, boy, other boy, more booze, lots more booze, embarrassing text messages, other boy, crying, apologize, booze, more booze, trying not to cry, The Town, more booze, boy, best friend, booze, more booze with boy & other boy, goodbyes, trying not to cry but still crying a little, booze, more booze with best friend, The Town." If you think that sounds like a disaster then you should know that it was.

So I need a new plan. I need to put the past away, put down the vodka, and feel.

http://twitter.com/stratejoy
15. Don’t be afraid to love with abandon. Love is a renewable resource and yes, your heart is resilient.
1. Practice radical acceptance towards yourself and others

"...I just want you to know that it's gonna be me who tells you to fuck yourself." -The Town

It's been a long December and there's reason to believe/maybe this year will be better than the last

I hate New Year's. I always have and I probably always will. It is my least favorite holiday.

There I said it. I think it's way too hyped up. Maybe I hype it up. I feel like there's pressure for there to be some deep reflection on the past year and a profound change for the upcoming year. I feel like there's pressure for the night to be some sort of magical champagne firework glitter explosion.

However, a year ago on this night my life did start completely changing. So I can't act this day hasn't held meaning. Although I will say that I thought things from that night would turn out differently but that's probably another story. Reflecting back I'm still grateful (see my Reverb Healing post). And my life truly is completely different than it was a year ago. I live in a different apartment in a different city with a different job and different friends and I'd even say that I'm different too.

So this year I'm going to stop feeling like this night has to be something it's not. And I'll stop trying to force change that doesn't want to come tomorrow. Maybe I'll just be greatful.

Fierce love, baby, fierce love.

I just found out there's no such thing as the real world...except, that's not true at all.

I've waited awhile to post this because I wasn't sure what I was going to say. If I'd posted three weeks ago I would have said how excited I was to move into my new apartment in the city and do all sorts of exciting things. Two weeks I would have posted that I couldn't stop crying or being sad and missing all sorts of thing I'd never thought I'd miss. Last week I would have said I was adjusting and that I was looking forward to starting work. Today I would say that I can't believe college is over, the party is over. I'm in the real world. The world where I wake up at 6 am, make coffee, check traffic, commute, work until 5, commute, and then realize I'm completely exhausted and can't function but still need to consider which health insurance plan I'm going to pick.

You know that Chuck Palahniuk quote about feeling like you rushed through the moments when you should have been paying attention? That's kind of how I feel about the past 5 years. Not that I'm sad. Because I feel like the future has a lot to offer and I'm eager and excited to experience all of it.