It was February 18, 2010...

I only know the exact date because I remember the new episode of Grey's Anatomy that premiered that Thursday. It was my first trip to the city on my own, it was for a job test. The test was at 8 am that Friday. I took Friday off work and drove down that Thursday night. I was too scared to ask him to stay at his apartment. So I got a hotel room. When I checked in I got coupons for free drinks at the hotel bar. I found a way to make it from the hotel to the mall. I didn't know the area at all. And now, now it's so funny. I work just a few miles from there. I drove that road every day for a year. You texted me "why did you get a hotel? why didn't you just stay here?" I told you to join me at the hotel. A pool, a bar, a big bed...what's not to get excited about?

You told me you couldn't, that you didn't have time. I should have realized then, in that moment. Instead of waiting it out another year. But I'm dumb and that's another story. So I went to the bar. I ate pasta and drank vodka tonic after vodka tonic. I felt fancy, drinking alone at a hotel bar. Almost poetic, in some way. I went back upstairs and sat in my empty hotel room and watched that episode. It was a flashback episode ironically.

It snowed the next morning. It snowed so badly that the normal hour and thirty minute drive took three hours. It was painful and terrible. And I remember the relief of getting home. Parking my car and walking inside and knowing I made it. That there was a big girl life out there for me and I'd find it and live and survive and do all the things.

It's these moments that come up, every now and then. And I remember this life that feels like a lifetime ago, even though it wasn't. And it's random moments like these that leave me with the most vivid memories.

I'm not meant for you and you're not meant for me

Tomorrow night I have a first date. But tonight I'm crying. For some reason, Facebook sent me our message history. Messages from 5 years ago. Back in 2006 when you had an ex-girlfriend you desperately wanted back and I wanted to start something with someone new. 5 years later and those people still fuck us up. 5 years and we're still talking.

My friends won't listen anymore. They're done with it. They say "He's an asshole, move on, you can do better." But to me I can't. I can't do better than you.

You are a god in my eyes. I close my eyes and think of your chest and can't imagine ever wanting someone else the way I want you. I spend my days convincing myself that we're friends. Very Callie & Mark from Grey's. Except minus the lesbianism & the baby. But we're more George & Meredith from Grey's. Except I'm George, but plus the Meredith tears.

But you don't feel the same.

So I'll go on this date, but I know when I go home I'll have a text from you.

And I'll respond.

And I'll try to say something witty. Or maybe you'll insult me. Or maybe both.

And then he'll text. Saying he had a great time and loved my eyes and my stories about my cat and work. And in reality, that's pretty much perfect.

But I'll blow him off. And probably text you "where have all the good guys gone?" And you'll say "I saw that girl tonight, the one I dated, I'm freaking out." And then we'll get drunk on vodka and probably text "Throbbing cock" / "Wet pussy" to each other.

And I'll wake up and go to work and so will you. And nothing will be different.

Except everyone's heart is broken.