It's burning up in here

This is the part of summer that.drags.on.and.on.

It's 100 degrees every day.  The other day it was like 89 and every one was like oh wow, it's so cool.  We are all sweating all.the.time.  My vagina is fine but I can't help but worry about everyone else's. 

Being at the pool and baseball games has lost it's excitement.  Basically because it is so hot you will straight up burst into flames if you are outside for more than 20 minutes.  I'm not excited about popsicles or iced coffee anymore.  Nothing new is on television except for Breaking Bad (thank you Walter White).  Boulevard Zon and Summer Shandy have worn me thin with their sweet lemony-ness.  Nobody has anything to say to me except "Wow it's so hot out!" Occasionally someone will mention that we haven't seen rain in weeks.  It's too hot for pasta or soup or to cook anything indoors.  Everything exciting and good about summer has faded like the last light of a fourth of July firework.

Everyone's murmuring about, do we dare say, fall.  It'll come sweet things and in November I'll be writing a post about how we're tired of...no, no wait, I won't because Fireside Nut Brown is the best beer and everyone loves 50-70 degree weather and leaves changing and Halloween/Thanksgiving and football sundays and new television shows and.and.and.  So hang in there sweet things, it'll be Labor Day soon and six months from now you'll be wishing it was mid July.

A manifesto

Let yourself be gutted. Let it open you. Start there.

Decide what is you and mainline it. Embrace the decisions that truly make you feel like you. Embrace yourself. You are magnificent and wonderful and never stop knowing that. More importantly never stop being addicted to doing whatever it is you want to do. Lose the guilt. If you want it, then that's that and move on. You are a grown ass woman, eat the cupcake if you want and then be done with it.

Gratitude, sweet pea, gratitude. Be grateful for all of it. For this moment, now matter how big or small. Be grateful that life beat you into submission because that's how you learn to fight with compassion instead of fury. You are not broken, you are bendable, and you can survive anything. Damaged goods are the best kind there are.

Stop. Just stop. Take a deep breathe. Read a book. Take a bath. Have a glass of wine. Call your mother. Laugh so hard it hurts. Spend extra money for good cheese. Dance, for the love of god, just dance, anywhere and everywhere. Spoon. Don't rush through the moments when you should have been paying attention. Say thank you. Say no. No is the kind of power the good witch wields.

Ask for help. It's ok to not be ok. That crazed fire is normal and you aren't crazy. You are the best kind of fucked up. The serpent was the best thing that ever happened to Eve. Make better mistakes tomorrow.

Be brave enough to break your own heart. Leave the bad relationship, bad job, bad habits. The only way out of a hole is to climb out. You are the deciding factor in this equation. Be true blue. Most things will be okay eventually, but not everything will be. Sometimes you’ll put up a good fight and lose. Sometimes you’ll hold on really hard and realize there is no choice but to let go. Acceptance is a small, quiet room.

When there's nothing left to burn you have to set yourself on fire. Don't be afraid to give yourself everything you've ever wanted in life. In this life. Take responsibility for the energy you bring you into this space. Be curious. Ask better questions. Say fuck yes to intimacy and truth. Love with abandon. Your heart is resilient. Above all be kind.

A non exclusive list of things that make me anxious

Sunday nights from 5 pm - 10 pm

Monday, Tuesday, & Wednesday mornings from 6 am-9am

Being on the top floor of a mall

Driving in a new area

Driving in traffic

Checking my bank statement

Getting calls from people I don't know

Going to the gynecologist, dentist, pharmacist, & optomotrist

If I leave my cell phone rings and I don't know the number

Every time my work phone rings

If I have more than 3 voicemails

Anytime someone tells me to just "get a new job"

November 11

March 6

December 26

January 2

When my fingernails are too short

Paying for a dinner I really can't afford

Being out of wine

Too many events planned in a row

Hamburgers

Having to drive another human being anywhere

Bills

Paying my rent

My bed

Swimsuits

If it might possibly snow

If my pant legs will be wet

If water gets through my shoes

I I I'm spread way too thin, everybody wants to know what's happening...

Some days are good, some days are bad.  Today was nothing tomato soup, Mr. Riggins, a run, & a glass of wine couldn't handle.

Sometimes I feel like "is this it?" and feel as if I'm wasting my talents.  But then I'm like "what talents?" and go back to my wine.

Here's my favorite tweet from the Mad Men finale: "Unhappiness is the only true consistent in life. Also, I want to bite Roger's ass." -Lemmonex

Yesterday was my mom's 52 birthday.  It feels sometimes as if her life is just starting and there's so much potential.  It's pretty amazing.  She's the most amazing person I know. I know most people say that about their moms, but I'm serious.  I'll tell you sometime if you are ever curious.

Not growing up but growing into yourself/A list of things I do and don't GAF about

There's an upside to getting older. With getting older comes experience, the knowing what you want, and most importantly, what you don't, feeling more than just ok with yourself, at least once in awhile, and if you are very lucky, meeting people you want to hang onto for more than just right now.

It took seeing it right in front of my face in a more than apparent shitshow that this is so true and what's happened to me.  I am still a shocking wreck sometimes, but ya know, I'm kind of grown into myself, for better or worse.  And that's what I learned last weekend.

In other news here are few things I don't give a fuck about:
What your baby is doing, particulary related to potty training
How much money you have/are getting from your parents
Anything related to yogurt, Greek or regular
Your eating habits in general: how you don't eat meat, how you don't eat vegetables, how you don't eat gluten, how you don't eat sugar...ughzzzz
Your band
Instagram
Tumblr
Cleaning my apartment
Cooking

Here are some things I definitely do give a fuck about:
Gel manicures
Mi Ranchito
Solo cups
This weekend
GIRLS

Be brave enough to break your own heart

These are the decisions I'm actively making now. These things, day by day, are my becoming.

All those things I said I'd do when I was younger-move to Boston, get a tattoo, vacation in Europe, have a job that I'm passionate about, wake up in the morning without thinking "what the fuck are you doing," I'm not doing any of them.

But now I'm actively not doing them. I chose all these things. I'm still choosing them, day by day. These things are my choice. To stay in Kansas City, to pay off my debt and buy a bed rather than vacation, to stay at this job. I pick these things every day. I could wake up tomorrow and change it all if I wanted, but I don't. These are things I want.

But god damn, what I'd give for some guts to do it.

P.S. Dave Annabele in Brothers & Sisters in his Army uniform. You're welcome.

3 days, 288 ounces of juice

I decided to do a 3 day juice cleanse from Blue Print Cleanse because I'm...insane.
I paid a shit ton of money to have 288 ounces of juice shipped to me. For 5 days before I started I had no caffeine or meat. 3 days before no dairy. 1 day before no alcohol. J said if this was my life we'd break up. I'd break up with myself.

I crack open the first juice around 9 am on day 1. After reading other blogs I was nervous for this green salad juice. But it was fantastic. It was crisp and fresh and tasted like an actual salad. Two hours later I had juice 2 which was a nice fruity pineapple apple mint juice. Juice 3 is actually just Juice 1 again. And then juice 4 is spicy lemonade. It was 5 pm and I was all "I'm so amazing and I've totally got this. I'll have the skinniez and never eat solid food again!" Then juice five...the beet carrot juice. Aka pure dirt shit. It was terrible. There are about twenty nine gross things I'd rather eat than drink this juice. But they promised juice 6 (cashew milk) was great and to hold on. But french fries. All I can think about are fried potatoes with salt and ketchup. But that sixth juice was like a cookie and that was ok.

I wake up on day 2 with a serious case of the skinniez. My stomach is the flatest it's ever been. Day 2 of juices is a breeze. I fly through the juice, workout, have a great day. I don't even miss food at this point.

Then I wake up on day 3. While I'm having an even better case of the skinniez I would punch you in the face for some solid food. I start to crave onions & fish. I miss chewing. I am so tired of drinking liquid. Between each of the juices you drink a glass of water. There is no point in the day where you aren't drinking something. My friend keeps talking about what we'll eat for dinner the next night. I tell him to fuck off. At 3 pm on a Friday afternoon I fall asleep for 2 hours because I'm angry, tired, and just so hungry. I blow off juice 5 and only manage to drink half of juice 6.

I finished the rest of juice 6 the next day and waited til our dinner to eat again. Where I had onions & salmon. Since the juice cleanse I eat onions or fish or both every single day. Isn't that disgusting? I don't know what's wrong with me. It was nice that it was all planned out and I felt so skinny. I'd definitely do it again though.