The Town, The Past, And Feeling Way Too Much

This weekend the past was way too in my face. The weekend basically went "boy, booze, more booze, talking, crying, boy, apologize, booze, best friend, boy, other boy, more booze, lots more booze, embarrassing text messages, other boy, crying, apologize, booze, more booze, trying not to cry, The Town, more booze, boy, best friend, booze, more booze with boy & other boy, goodbyes, trying not to cry but still crying a little, booze, more booze with best friend, The Town." If you think that sounds like a disaster then you should know that it was.

So I need a new plan. I need to put the past away, put down the vodka, and feel.

http://twitter.com/stratejoy
15. Don’t be afraid to love with abandon. Love is a renewable resource and yes, your heart is resilient.
1. Practice radical acceptance towards yourself and others

"...I just want you to know that it's gonna be me who tells you to fuck yourself." -The Town

It's been a long December and there's reason to believe/maybe this year will be better than the last

I hate New Year's. I always have and I probably always will. It is my least favorite holiday.

There I said it. I think it's way too hyped up. Maybe I hype it up. I feel like there's pressure for there to be some deep reflection on the past year and a profound change for the upcoming year. I feel like there's pressure for the night to be some sort of magical champagne firework glitter explosion.

However, a year ago on this night my life did start completely changing. So I can't act this day hasn't held meaning. Although I will say that I thought things from that night would turn out differently but that's probably another story. Reflecting back I'm still grateful (see my Reverb Healing post). And my life truly is completely different than it was a year ago. I live in a different apartment in a different city with a different job and different friends and I'd even say that I'm different too.

So this year I'm going to stop feeling like this night has to be something it's not. And I'll stop trying to force change that doesn't want to come tomorrow. Maybe I'll just be greatful.

Fierce love, baby, fierce love.

#REVERB10 Day 25 PHOTO

December 25 – Photo – a present to yourself Sift through all the photos of you from the past year. Choose one that best captures you; either who you are, or who you strive to be. Find the shot of you that is worth a thousand words. This photo was taken in spring. I'm tan and happy and wearing a shirt with a funny story behind. To me this photo captures the best of my year. It captures a night that I had an amazing time with fun people. It was taken in the apartment above the one I lived in, in a city I no longer call home. This picture captures who I was, but a feeling I want to get back to.

#REVERB10 Everythings gonna be alright

December 24 Prompt – Everything’s OK What was the best moment that could serve as proof that everything is going to be alright? And how will you incorporate that discovery into the year ahead?

I hadn't seen my college best friend for 2 years. We'd hardly talked despite huge events happening in our lives over two years. She'd broken off an engagement and I'd graduated college. We both happened to move to the same city and made plans for dinner and drinks one day in early summer. I didn't know how it would be and was nervous we'd have nothing in common anymore. We ended up talking for well over 4 hours, sharing everything that'd happened in the past 2 years...the joys, the sorrows, the changes.

And not just her, but I reconnected with several people from the past over the past year and for me, that feels like everything might be alright. That there's always a chance to reconnect. To find things that once were again.

#Reverb21 Letter to self

Dear 2015 Melissa,
I hope you are healthy and well, first and foremost. But more than anything I hope you are happy. I hope you have discovered what true happiness is and how to get there. I wonder all sorts of things about you. I wonder if you are still at the same company and if you still know the same coworkers. Hell, I wonder if you still live in the same city. I wonder if you are in a relationship.
I hope that you are still strong and brave. I hope that you've become more confident. I bet you are pretty awesome so start acting like it. Quit letting people treat you like shit. Seriously. I hope nothing horrific has happened to you. I hope you've traveled and learned new things. I hope you've learned to cook, bought a headboard, and paid off your credit cards. Which is to say, I hope you've grown up and settled into becoming a grown as woman.
More than anything, I just hope you are very, very happy.
Sincerely,
2010 Melissa

___________________________________________________
Dear 2000 Melissa,
First and foremost, congrats on recently surviving your parents divorce and a move to a new state. Make yourself comfortable in Bethany, it's where you'll stay until you graduate. High school is hard. But you'll make it through. You should take driver's ed.
You shouldn't have drank so much in high school. And more importantly, always, always, always put alcohol in the trunk and not the backseat. Forget about the little things. In ten years you won't remember cheerleading or dancing or much else that you think is so important these days. Yes, by your senior year, you'll be captain of the cheerleading squad. A year later you'll forget it ever happened.
I still don't know if you picked the *right* college. But what's important is that you make your choice for the right reasons. Don't be afraid. Be bold. Have confidence.
Keep your pants on. I know you think I'm lecturing, but seriously, keep them on. You will create mess, after mess, for yourself from 2005 to the present by taking them off. So do us both a favor and keep them on. Also you should know that the boy you have your first kiss with ends up getting married way young to someone very unattractive and is a manager at a general store. At your 5 year high school reunion he will tell you that you have a better life. And it's true. So get over that.
Your high school boyfriend will break your heart. And so will a dozen other boys. Just a fair warning. But don't be afraid, you are going to have a lot of fun and learn a lot as well.
And don't worry about your family either. Your mom has her master's degree now! And your siblings? Your sister follows your footsteps and is a college freshman in 2010. And your brother is a high school graduate and has a job. It's really amazing and you could not be more proud. Something really tragic happens to your family in 2004, but you will survive and like always, life moves on.
I know the world feels small right now. But you are going to have some amazing adventures. Trust me and enjoy the ride.
Love,
2010 Melissa

P.S. Don't make your hair so blonde and straighten your hair before senior pictures. Your class ring is your top drawer. You have a college degree and a good job.

#Reverb19 Healing

It was sometime in mid-fall, late October or early November perhaps, and I was sitting across from my best friend when I realized what had happened. I told her, "He saved me when I couldn't save myself." He came into my life on New Year's Day and by Martin Luther King my life was already completely different. He made me become decisive and muster up some confidence. He taught me that it is ok to fail and to be unapologetic for being awesome. But more than anything, he made me stronger, out of necessity. At the beginning of 2010, I wasn't ready to be the person I needed and wanted to be and I would have never guessed that he'd be such a huge part of my year and that transformation, but I am grateful. He truly did pull me out when I wasn't ready to do it on my own.
In 2011, I need to be healed from him.

#Reverb10 Day 17 Lesson Learned

The greatest lesson I learned this year, and possibly ever, is to listen to myself. I know that might sound obvious and simple but it isn't always, at least not to me. I have spent the majority of my life doing whatever I am "supposed" to do. Or sometimes what other people want me to do. And I've misplaced that into thinking those are things I want. So when I had to leave college and build an adult life, I accepted that same path. I accepted a job in finance that I didn't want because other people said it was a great opportunity in a city I didn't want to live in because other people said it'd be fun. I was in a relatiotship that had lasted almost two years that I'd outgrown but stayed in because a relationship is what you're supposed to be in at my age. Then in January I realized that I wasn't happy. I wasn't happy at all. And none of the things I was planning on doing where going to make me happy. I declined the job. Chose a job that I love in a city that I love. Left the relationship and began searching for someone that would make me happy and am learning to be content with myself. The lesson is that if something doesn't feel right, it probably isn't.