The little things become the big things

I want to tell you about my weekend, reader.  I doubt you care much, or at all.  I hope you do, at least a little.  Sometimes I'm not sure if you're even there at all.  Never the less...

On Thursday, J and I went to get Italian Nachos and beer for dinner.  Because we are adults but not grown up.  Have you ever had Italian Nachos?  They are fantastic.  Like an explosion of cheesy gooey goodness in your mouth.  We watched The League, It's Always Sunny, & Thursday Night Football.

Friday we had dinner with my mom and her boyfriend.  I find it weird to say "my mom's boyfriend" but I like him and he is a good guy and makes her very happy.  My mom likes J for the same reasons.  After dinner we went to a haunted house with J's coworkers.  We stood in a field drinking a beer and whiskey from a flask saying we couldn't feel our feet because it was just so cold before running through a maze terrified.  We went home and drank pumpkin spice lattes with pumpkin vodka and watched Shark Tank for awhile.  I couldn't get warm again and got so tired and fell asleep softly.

On Saturday we dressed in our Halloween costumes and went to his friends annual Halloween party.  I dressed as a slutty replacement ref and he dressed as a lumber jack/axe murderer.  We drank wine by a bonfire and laughed and talked and met new people.  I wore my hair in pigtails and I still haven't taken them out.

Today we went to the grocery store.  He made chili and I made jalapeno popper dip.  We watched football all day.  We checked our fantasy football scores and saw we were both winning.  I came home to my cat, Riggins.  I took a bath, drank some white wine, and now am getting ready to watch The Walking Dead.

I have tomorrow off work.

This weekend may sound oh so boring to you, reader, but it was so beautiful though.  This weekend I was happy.  Very happy.  I felt alive and loved and at peace.  And that's what I'll remember most about this weekend.

I'm baaaaaccckkkk...

My absence has been due to the fact that I no longer own a personal computer and while I now use my iPhone for all internet purposes, I couldn't get use to actually writing blog posts with it.  J recently remembered his old college computer from years ago still technically worked.  It's a PowerBook with a homemade battery adapter and no sound.  I am quite pleased and grateful.  J is the actual best.

Here's what you missed:
Took J home to see my small town
Drafted a fantasy football team
Drank pumpkin beer
Celebrated my little sister's 21st birthday
Took a long weekend
Got a massage
Watched a bad movie
Quit therapy
Made dips
Watched football
Watched the Chiefs & my fantasy football team lose
And lose again
And again
Took every Monday in October off
Watched a good movie
Watched another bad one
Watched the football teams lose again
And again
Took a bath
Drank wine
Ran a 5k
Watched the presidential debates
Cleaned my sister's puke off my boyfriend's wall
Felt inadequate
Talked on the phone to my mom
Put together a study binder (not full of women)
Became obsessed with olives and trying to be a good cook
Accepted J is the better cook
Talked on the phone to my friends
Drank more wine
Picked out a halloween costume
Looking forward to Halloween for the first time in years
Talked to my mom on the phone more
Ate J's smoked chicken (it's worth writing home about)
Watched new tv
Watched more new tv
Watched even more new tv with my cat
Read a good book
Read a good book in the bath
Ran a mile in less than 10 minutes
Took a health test that scared the shit out of me
Started counting calories
Was really, really cold #noheatoctober
Was really, really hot #whyisit90degreesinthefall
Realized that life is about what we have in us to be better, to do better and those that make us better
And upcoming tonight: pumpkin pie vodka & another presidential debate

Conversations I wish I'd never started

Conversation with my new coworker tonight.  (Side note, usually in the evenings there are just two of us working and it's not very busy so there's a lot of down time.  Previous coworker and I had lots of long chats about life, happiness, friends, & guys.)

Me: Where do you go to school?
Her: ____ Community College
Me: So what are you going to school for?
Her: Nursing.  But like, I don't want to be a nurse.  I .don't want to do anything really.  A stay a thome mom, maybe.  You know how women in the 50's just stayed home?  I want to do, like, that.  That'd be perfect.
Me: Umm, oh?
Her: Yeah, like nursing school is like so hard.  I mean to get into.  They want me to have good grades, like a 4.0 or something.  I can't get that!  Maybe if I only did school.  But I have like, a life.  And I work.  Community college is like, actually hard.  If they need so many nurses, why do they make it so hard?
Me: Uhhh?
Her: Anyway, I did some nursing work for awhile.  It was fine.  You know, bodily fluids don't bother me. 
Me: I get grossed out.
Her: I thought about being a cosmetologist because I like, love hair & makeup.  But that sounds like no money.  Also I thought about being a massage therapist, but I cannot like, rub people. 
Me: So bodily fluids are ok but rubbing is not?
Her: It's just like impossible!  Anyway, I don't know why they even look at grades.  What you want is a nurse that's just like, nice, ya know?  I'm super nice.  I would be great in an interview.  I hope they just like interview me.  And look at things I do in school besides actual school. 
Me: I'm going to go check the laundry.

Ladies and gentleman, that's the future. 

Anxiety, Beer, & Back Pain

1.  I've been struggling with my family over the past two weeks.  Like struggling to the point where it actually hurts my heart.  It's hard seeing people you love go through difficult things, it is even more difficult to see them make decisions that you aren't supportive of.  I know that I can only be responsible for myself and my own decisions but it feels impossible to still not be upset about it. 

2.  Yesterday we went on the Boulevard Brewery Tour.  It was a fantastic time and almost worth the two year wait. 

3. I wish everyone could talk more openly about mental health. At the very least I'm learning to understand my own struggle with anxiety. My biggest anxiety attacks usually show up on Sunday nights & Monday mornings and times when I'm alone after hanging out with friends and family.  Last night after the brewery tour I felt like I was literally dying, that my heart might actually explode.  It was my first anxiety attack in over a month, which was feeling like a victory.  But I sound like a crazy person saying I can't breathe because of the panic, don't I?  Tonight I'm fine and we'll try again tomorrow. 

4. My back has been in intense pain and I'm feeling a bit like I'm 25 going on 75.  I'm spending a lot of time on my heating pad and trying to figure out how to fix it.  It's incredible how much older I've gotten in the past few years.

5. Is it fall yet?

I caved and talked about Chick-Fil-A, also birth conrol.

Tonight I am scanning my Facebook page and am, for lack of a better word, confused about a majority of the comments (regarding Chick-Fil-A) I'm reading and also who the hell are these people and am I sure they are my "friend"?  As my blood is almost boiling because I hate ignorance and incomplete thought processes, I decided to take it out here on my blog rather than on Facebook (will I ever be able to just deactivate my profile?!)

Let's start by breaking down some things...

#1, Chick-Fil-A has always been closed on Sundays.  Simple thought process would lead you to conclude it's based on religious affiliations, which it should not be surprising, do not wave a rainbow flag by the cross.  This should not be a shocking revelation to anyone. 

"He simply stated his opinion on something, making this a freedom of speech issue."
The common "this is a free speech issue" comment.  If he'd said he doesn't support African Americans or women or the American flag or democracy, would we be so ok with calling it a free speech issue?  I think not.  Sure, he has free speech, but don't be blind to the fact that it still is a rights issue as well and people who are passionate about fighting for equal rights or those opposed, have the right to step up and speak their peace in return. 

Next of all, I don't care whether you eat Chick-Fil-A every day of your life or never eat it again.  If you refuse to eat Chick-Fil-A, I urge you to get educated on other businesses and what they support beause I am very sure Chick-Fil-A isn't the only business that does not support equal rights.  And likewise for the reverse.  And likewise again for other issues-child labor, employee rights, etc. You are incredibly ignorant if Chick-Fil-A is the only business you need to take a stand on.

Finally, for those who thing that a business owners opinions have no affect on their product and your consumption...get a clue.  This is America, you vote with your dollar.  Where you spend your money does directly affect various issues and this is a prime example. So don't sit there with your waffle fries and act like 20 cents of that didn't go to supporting groups who are against equal rights.

In other news, free birth control for the ladies!  I think this is amazing and to those who are comparing today's birth control victory to 9/11 and Pearl Habor, you should be ashamed of yourself.  You should be embarrassed and probably apologize to those who have suffered and lost loved ones to these very real tragedies.  There is a vast difference between American tragedies that have caused thousands of Americans to lose their lives, including soldiers, police offiers, firefighters, etc to a day when millions of women will finally have access to necessary and basic health care. There is no comparison. 

Lastly, I would like to direct you to The Wrong Side of History brought to you by Jenn.

Happy Hump Day.

It's burning up in here

This is the part of summer that.drags.on.and.on.

It's 100 degrees every day.  The other day it was like 89 and every one was like oh wow, it's so cool.  We are all sweating all.the.time.  My vagina is fine but I can't help but worry about everyone else's. 

Being at the pool and baseball games has lost it's excitement.  Basically because it is so hot you will straight up burst into flames if you are outside for more than 20 minutes.  I'm not excited about popsicles or iced coffee anymore.  Nothing new is on television except for Breaking Bad (thank you Walter White).  Boulevard Zon and Summer Shandy have worn me thin with their sweet lemony-ness.  Nobody has anything to say to me except "Wow it's so hot out!" Occasionally someone will mention that we haven't seen rain in weeks.  It's too hot for pasta or soup or to cook anything indoors.  Everything exciting and good about summer has faded like the last light of a fourth of July firework.

Everyone's murmuring about, do we dare say, fall.  It'll come sweet things and in November I'll be writing a post about how we're tired of...no, no wait, I won't because Fireside Nut Brown is the best beer and everyone loves 50-70 degree weather and leaves changing and Halloween/Thanksgiving and football sundays and new television shows and.and.and.  So hang in there sweet things, it'll be Labor Day soon and six months from now you'll be wishing it was mid July.

A manifesto

Let yourself be gutted. Let it open you. Start there.

Decide what is you and mainline it. Embrace the decisions that truly make you feel like you. Embrace yourself. You are magnificent and wonderful and never stop knowing that. More importantly never stop being addicted to doing whatever it is you want to do. Lose the guilt. If you want it, then that's that and move on. You are a grown ass woman, eat the cupcake if you want and then be done with it.

Gratitude, sweet pea, gratitude. Be grateful for all of it. For this moment, now matter how big or small. Be grateful that life beat you into submission because that's how you learn to fight with compassion instead of fury. You are not broken, you are bendable, and you can survive anything. Damaged goods are the best kind there are.

Stop. Just stop. Take a deep breathe. Read a book. Take a bath. Have a glass of wine. Call your mother. Laugh so hard it hurts. Spend extra money for good cheese. Dance, for the love of god, just dance, anywhere and everywhere. Spoon. Don't rush through the moments when you should have been paying attention. Say thank you. Say no. No is the kind of power the good witch wields.

Ask for help. It's ok to not be ok. That crazed fire is normal and you aren't crazy. You are the best kind of fucked up. The serpent was the best thing that ever happened to Eve. Make better mistakes tomorrow.

Be brave enough to break your own heart. Leave the bad relationship, bad job, bad habits. The only way out of a hole is to climb out. You are the deciding factor in this equation. Be true blue. Most things will be okay eventually, but not everything will be. Sometimes you’ll put up a good fight and lose. Sometimes you’ll hold on really hard and realize there is no choice but to let go. Acceptance is a small, quiet room.

When there's nothing left to burn you have to set yourself on fire. Don't be afraid to give yourself everything you've ever wanted in life. In this life. Take responsibility for the energy you bring you into this space. Be curious. Ask better questions. Say fuck yes to intimacy and truth. Love with abandon. Your heart is resilient. Above all be kind.